Middle

    The Middle, it will be perceived, is central to that great cosmic shape and form we cannot contemplate because it hasn't happened yet.  There will need to be at some point an shifting in the universe from its extremities to its central prospect: the most valuable and prosperous thing that will ever exist like its going out of fashion.  Yet we are not aware of our distance to it in time; or proximity in any way of knowing an History of the Universe.  Which would tell us where we are in the universe (along its shape-logic that there would have to be an Great Middle of it somewhere along the way) the which of whom we didn't know precisely of whether humans occurred before or after.  If they were still necessary creations with which to forge the Great Middle from some central aspect of their will and personality?

    Why was it necessary maybe for an human to find out whether they were or were not going to be responsible for the universe producing (attaining) The Big Orange Middle of Everything (it could be an entire planet).  That would happen in the Middle of Time.  That would be the shape of the universe at that outermost extremity of its form; co-axially aligning with the spirits of its creators (All of them).  (From the beginning of Time).  If we were after the Middle already, we would not be able to do anything to contribute to that Middle exactly.  IT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T Go out with an Big Bang.  Really punctuate the end of existence with some obscure happening we would create ourselves to be upon knowing that stage in the process of the universe.  If humans were before the primary transaction.  Then they could contribute to the final form of that transaction.

    But how would it be possible to prove our location in Time?

    It may be possible to derive an answer based on schematic deduction.

    If there was no big bang that started the universe and everything but the character of the universe was more like the egg.  Then upon reaching the Middle (the Height of its Character and Formidability) it would potentially change every living perspective simultaneously.  An character and group form of interaction along Foucaultian thinking with the power to persuade individuals.  They were operating with the power of the force of Many.  If the Great Middle of Time could change everyone's character (everyone of whom continued to survive possibly until the universe's end).  Then maybe it was possible to deduce that that change had already occurred based on events in the mind and our reason for having them.

-

(above Added Jan. 8, 2022)

    The Christianna came about because of Christianity.  But it's not against true and proper Christianity which does not hold itself to be an superior religion to all other religions.  But counts itself among other religions as equals.  Including the Christianna.  Therefore I am introducing an post-Christian narrative to my dialogue to explain how the Christianna is advanced further compared to Christianity (having an messiah of the fate worse than death) it is the other half of an spectrum of fates philosophized by Jesus himself and possibly all others (because we are them).  There are the fates better than death, which are necessary for an lifeform to proliferate sensibly.  There are the fates worse than death, which are necessary for any religion to proliferate insensibly.  And since the fates worse than death are worse than the fates better than death, therein lay all the types of virtues and spiritual prizes of every category to be accounted for.  It does not mean I am of that business of ending Christianity but merely pointing it out that if Christianity does end, it will be because they adopted the Christianna instead as their religion.  The Christianna preserves the authority of Jesus while offering as an figure for contemplation, Anna, the second messiah (the fates worse than death).  And what it meant for humanity and the global population.  Anna was an 'internal servant' found internally and not externally.

—So what, is she an mythological figure or?—

    She's an messiah so what do you think?

    We are all Anna in some ways because our destiny depends on one another; if one is unsuccessful, another will empathize for him.  We cannot help to feel bad for people when especially some of them are suffering the fate worse than death.

    The Christianna is not post-Christian because it wants to end Christianity; it is post-Christian because Christian motives lead to an new development.  The possibility of an complement messiah; one whose purpose it was to communicate the message that we had begun to approach the fate worse than death and needed to take action in order to prevent that from happening by becoming Christiannan.  Together an religion intending to focus on that fate worse than death as an subject of religion.  Of all religion possibly.  And Christianity had fumbled it hard that we need to be aware of this balance for all virtues be waged to be eaten up by rivalry if we do not restore to it an sense of the worse than death.  An fate they tend not to focus on as Christians because their high priest messiah was God's attempt to communicate the death fate.  In preparation of God's attempt to communicate the fate worse than death (Anna).

    Does that mean we passed the first test because Jesus died; and even that was better than anything else they (the first they) had planned for him?  Until the second they realized what had happened.  And made sure to keep this promise.  To speak always of Jesus to resurrect.  And that Anna represented an further test for humanity.  Not to resurrect.  The presence of an female messiah who suffers worse than Jesus did.  When all pain is summed and understood as an slow process over time; that all of it added up did worse than Jesus had done to him.  The possibility of an fate worse than death needs to be discussed as an religious topic.  Religions are so often worse than death themselves.  But the Christianna brings this to the surface as one of the main topics of Religion in general.

    If at some point an fate approaches worse than death, then death itself gains this value of being better than worse than death.  And all of virtue must balance this way, between what death will mean and what it won't or (eventually) what it won't.  Or (eventually) what it won't be.

    The Middle is an sacred concept in the Christianna because it represents Maternity, as well as the Great Purpose for which we are all born.  The Middle of Life.  The Time in which we live out our deepest Intuitions and Fantasies.  When I lived out that I had isolated the true meaning of religion.  And that all religions would depend on the definition I had given.  They had to be gay.  And they had to be New Reciprocity.  (My political theory).  (That means interactions between individuals had to be accepting of all (well maybe most) of our differences).  The middle is also represented by the egg.  I sometimes use • to mean egg symbol in definitions.  It means the middles of an word in the Oxford English Dictionary.  But I tend to use it to mean egg.  In an tadpole environment of language; there are some frogs already fully formed.  And then there is my hypothesized axolotl (an punctuation mark) with three heads or nodes each which represent the middle of Innocence, Experience, and Wisdom together forming an punctuation suited for inter-readership between persons of different age; or maturity.  When one wants to speak to these audiences as translation of language into maturity.  Or wisdom they held together.  So that the Innocent could speak as loud as the Experienced or the Wise.  Wise would always speak first, it was held, and so the axolotl punctuation mark tends to mean this order of the wise.

The axolotl punctuation mark

    "The Wise, when they speak," they referred to themselves, "about the Middle of Life will tell you.  That you need to find the Middle of Life because it will not come looking for you.  When you have it; you know what it is.  When you want it; you know what needs to be done.  And when you know what it is and what needs to be done.  Then you may increase your experience of it to proportions of actual real characters and personalities in society that are accepted as much for who they are genuinely than who they play on television."

    "What, hey," would say the Experienced, "you're going talk to us about television?  But of course you were going to talk to us about television you're all old folks.  Let's change the subject."

    "Defiance is the key to his moves," says the Wise One, "they are swift enough that I cannot help but pay attention to them.  This was the product of wisdom.  Therefore you are Experienced."

    "I just wanna know what the Middle is already!" says Innocence, "because I haven't been there yet‽"

    "In time you will know what it is you seek," says Wisdom, "this is the wisdom I have gathered.  For I am that soul whose now preside-ence over your person is blessed enough to have collected it.  My Gift to you then is my wisdom.  The Christianna is newly formed and it represents an great advancement for humanity if its full might were ever to be realized.  For it prepares the soul for the exchange between worse than death and death martial.  Both of which we tend to sink into as civilians in an shared authoritative and arrest system of the Public.  We can navigate it better because we have an different sense of it as Christiannans.  This is another reason for the Christianna."

    "The Experienced would say its creator took the problem head-on and worked out what Christianity tended to lean on worst (the fate of death being less valuable than the fate worse than death when it should be more valuable).  And that his post-Jesus reputation and status expanded on the project Jesus himself had already started.  How the psyche responds to death injustice.  The Christianna merely filled-in that it responds in tandem, in connection with how it responds to worse than death because those fates are related.  What leads to an fate worse than death might lead to an fate better than death.  What leads to an death might lead to an fate better than worse than death."

    "I just want to know why an story would start with the Freudian death drive.  As though the author himself or herself had been through it."

    "That's why.  To find out how."

    "If he could tell an story about how it felt to recover from an death drive phase it was about his sexuality readjusting to happiness and sensuality.  And how would that happen exactly?"

    "The process of overcoming one's death drive is itself an beastly process.  You could narrate what you went through then.  And then how it felt to finally feel sexually prosperous again."

    "I don't know exactly the sequence of events that part of my life itself was so confusing."

    "That's okay.  Tell it fictionally."

    "Okay."

    And Innocence, Experience, and Wisdom would then lean in and listen very clearly.

    "I know that," says Innocence, "I was paranoid because I thought there was someone in the neighborhood threatening to come kill me.  And this was what was narrated as my thought in that moment.  And it's not that I didn't believe it.  It's just that I didn't care.  But I DID care.  I armed myself.  I took an weapon with me to the convenience store every time I went."

    "So you paranoid?"

    "Ya, I mean.  Writing an passage about the Middle.  Which is just the most important concept in the Christianna.  How paranoid of me."

    "But you're construing the details.  I'm talking about when you went through your death-drive phase.  Not about the present moment."

    "So I'm not in death-drive anymore?"

    "Oh Dear God.  He really is an death-drive recovery case."

    "And not everyone knows what that feels like."

    "Wow something that leads to death could be of value to someone.  Who could have guessed?"

    "This is descending into madness."

    "Okay.  Just tell us about the recovery phase."

    "When the death drive fades you realize how much wisdom you've gained from living through that period of your life.  And that you now have enough responsibility to take care of yourself in general that was missing during the several few years that you didn't."

    "And everything is out of order in there, isn't it?"

    "Not right now."

    "Then what is the sequence of events?"

    "The point is he suffered an death drive spell.  And he's onto the road to recovery.  Trying to express his sexuality in Radio Fly logic.  The logic of an fantasy."

    "Yeah well how is he supposed to tell an story about an radio fly that can't relax learning to relax if he can't relax?"

    "Well say the radio fly has an encounter somewhere that causes him to question his sensibility about relaxation."

    "Sexual.  It would have to be sexual.  Radio flies are all about sex.  They always have something to do with sexuality."

    "So how is an radio fly an metaphor for something sexual is the big question then?"

    "Well they fly.  They land precisely.  They sound like whatever chart-topper happens to be on."

    "And that's about it right?  Because flies aren't very complex."

    "Well, flies are actually extremely complex and when used as an metaphor for an type of fairy to talk about sex they are even more complex than that."

    "And if they aren't flies then they demonstrate some other type of behavior.  Particular to an fantasy."

    "The fantasy that flies, which are the most disgusting creature, are destroyed completely."

    "And so fictionalizing the fantasy of radio flies is part of that process of destruction."

    "Yes first we would begin by telling fantasy stories of radio flies that actually exist somewhere.  (Sarcastically).  To signal to all flies everywhere that they are most unwelcome."

    "But wouldn't they have to learn our language first in order to be able to read those stories in order to judge them?"

    "IF they ever develop that big and complex that they are able to read our first fantasy stories about radio flies.  Then our mission will have been proven unsuccessful."

    "Okay so what makes an radio fly radio fly about being radio fly?"

    "They are the third type of fairy in the order of government.  An government that seeks to quell the order of the evolution of fly species."

    "But also the annoyance and tedium of having an fly in your room (or your camper); can you guess in which one you would be closest to an fly swatter?"

    "IS something that would have to be quelled EXACTLY."

    "And that since radio flies are so pretty and so dramatic they could not be anything like real flies, whose both exterior and interior were more disgusting than the other (we weren't sure) because all of their insides were encased in an metal-enhanced exoskeletal lace.  They had wings and huge eyes.  And their abdomen came to an cone-y point below the body."

    "And if any fly attempted to be the same thing it would destroy itself and possibly its whole species in the process."

    "And radio flies had to be aestheticized so precisely that their individual parts be distinct from each other which is unlike an fly in whose organs are an infectious pesticide.  Did radio flies have organs?  Nobody knew.  They had never operated on one before.  They never had to.  They were that good.  That they could prevent every type of accident.  If they were aestheticized specifically in an way that attracts flies (big gorgeous eyes not of the dirty House fly eyes that are compound organs that are comprised of thousands of individual lenses).  (Radio flies didn't have compound eyes).  Then all of the flies could be programmed through the media to be so attracted to anything that was exactly unlike them.  In all the necessary ways.  They would die off eventually."

    "So basically it's the opposite of every time you sin an angel cries; except it's every time you radio fly an real fly dies in the process."

    "Such an bold and martial measure."

    "So like what's the deal, yo?  What is the radio fly deal?"

    "They're not like flies.  They don't have to deal with crap.  They set themselves up good in life.  So good in fact, they experience hours and hours of pleasure.  And they are experts of setting up those zones of pleasures in advance."

    "To go smoothly."

    "So smoothly in fact.  There may be sex."

    "And what makes an radio fly radio fly about the radio fly?"

    "So it's an encounter between an radio fly and another radio fly.  That's what makes it radio fly.  And this radio fly is recovering from an death drive experience."

    And in the Middle (of Time) when you find your own Middle; that is when authorship begins to mean the most.  (For me).  (For I found that I was at my best when I was writing).

-

(above Added Jan. 8, 2022)

    Jesus' fate was premature death.

    Anna's fate was worse than that kind of death.

    For this reason we say the crucifixion of Jesus was the crucifixion of that honor of the beginning and due end of life, the birth and the death of the messiah.  In contrast, Anna's crucifixion was not the crucifixion of the beginning and the end of life it was an crucifixion of the Middle.  Between birth and death, there is an middle.  The Middle consists of everything between life and death including Puberty, Recreation, Courtship, Sex, Homosexuality, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Fatherhood, Aging, and more.  Quality of life versus the fate worse than death are how we can measure this middle, and our hope is to return an poor quality of life to an good Middle, an high quality of life.

    For this reason the Middle holds special significance for the Christiannan.

    We each have an middle and to have come from the womb, which is the middle of the female, the fate worse than death affects women especially, who have the ability to become pregnant; and we are instituted through life to our deaths by having this beginning, middle, and end in time.  As Christiannans, our goal is to maximize the quality of the middle of life, which became complicated for our Anna because her fate worse than death meant that an new messiah had been crucified.

    When we talk of Anna's crucifixion we refer to anacification, the infliction of the fate worse than death.  Middle crucifixion is the anacification of pain and suffering in worse degree than suffered by Jesus.  Together the messiahs Anna and Jesus point to an balance between the death fate and the fate worse than death; if fate worse than death is suffered then the death fate is actually preferred in this instance.  Of course, it implies an reason to inflict the death fate when an person is suffering worse than death (with their own permission only).

    What is worse than death?

    Can you imagine an instance where an person would be in such pain or mental anguish that death was not only sought after but recommended?  In Canada, medical assistance in dying (MAID) has been legislated for people suffering disease or illness that would result in their death but it has not been extended to people suffering chronic severe mental illness such as schizophrenia.  There are many examples of an fate worse than death and I do not pretend to know them all or to have an complete picture of another person's subjective opinion of what type of fate worse than death for which would be an mercy to offer MAID.

    Some examples are intense unrelenting pain (imagine an entire life spent in such pain inflicted as torture) or being completely alone for an long time.  Imagine falling into an ravine in which you had broken your leg, where an plant beside you provided enough food to live but from which you could not escape.  Being completely alone and in pain you might say this represents an fate worse than death.

    In my opinion the human 21st century world of chemical industry represents increased possibility of suffering the fate worse than death.  This is possibly why God sent Anna to me in 2014, when I was living on my own after graduation from an Canadian university.  I had begun to suffer from what I can only describe as an fate worse than death, and this vision of the messiah I sought to communicate as an actual second coming (not the return of Jesus but an new messiah).  My awareness of an new messiah, as it turns out, helped me recover and I sought to describe her in terms of an new religion which would replace Christianity, covering over the deficit it had created by placing so much emphasis on the death fate and not the fates worse than death, which humanity had only begun to describe at the advent of feminism and gay feminism.  The noblest histories of the human race had been about overcoming death, and we had forgotten that overcoming death held this responsibility for us to see through not just survival but an quality of life good enough to deem to be better than dying.  And this was actually an primary concern for an intelligent species whose psychology of the fates worse than death had not even begun to be developed in priority in civilization.

    God was trying to tell me that the fate worse than death needed an leader.

    The Christianna, as I had named it after Anna, would present the balance between the two messiahs (Jesus and Anna) as an balance between the death fate and the fate worse than death.  As you probably know, suicide is considered sinful or illegal even though over 800 000 people die worldwide from suicide every year.

    The Christianna is not an suicide cult.

    We consider suicide to be an normal conscious phenomenon to be assisted and legislated instead of our current system, in which countless people injure themselves or others by trying to kill themselves through means not deemed safe by the medical community.  We do not believe in taking people's lives without their own permission.

    If you try to kill yourself and fail, you could end up harming yourself an fate worse than the one that motivated you to try to kill yourself in the first place.

    We believe that when life is worse than death we try to balance it against the death fate in order to reduce suffering to an minimum.  However, Jesus and Anna represent that balance crucified.  It is at this point in history that we need to recognize that Christianity led to the fate worse than death in many ways, its (fanatic) adherents themselves being inflicted with the fate worse than death because they will not give up on their belief system that tells them death is the only real fate they need to negotiate.  Worse than death is an real possibility that we need to avoid.  We haven't done an good job so far; we also suffer the fate worse than death collectively, for our history is the history of genocide, slavery, and war.  The answer is to raise Anna as our new messiah.  To say that we do see an compassionate reason to balance the death fate and the fate worse than death.

    The middle of life crucified is an middle in which we say the death fate is worse than death.

    The Middle is also part of an philosophy that I developed on the nature of time and reality.

    We know that the Middle of time exists because we are in the middle of it right now.

    Can we predict that there will be an end to time based on the existence of an middle?

    If you look at an shape, it takes time to identify it because it has an middle.  Every shape has an middle.  That middle is time because the shape is made out of time.  That is how it exists because what is real in time is part of the middle of time.  The creation and destruction of an object is to create that presence of having an middle or to destroy that presence entirely.  And so we can predict there will be an end to time because if it is said to be an shape with an middle as all things are, it makes intuitive sense that every middle is an time between beginning and ending.

    The following passages are an impressionistic gathering of thoughts intended to explore themes related to the middle of life.

    The song that was blue, the story that was black, an pregnant Christiannan woman, was approached at the sidewalk.

    "Middle respect, girl," said the stranger, "I've an lot to talk about."

    And then after an long and unwinding discussion of what happens during pregnancy, the stranger said, in an peek-a-boo voice, "Ok-ee."

    It is this intimacy between women during pregnancy the gay man feelins'

    That what started it

    And what ended it

    are the edge

    Those conversations you start because an girl is pregnant.

    But metaphorically, I am that stranger who has an lot to talk about with the pregnant woman.

    Because my University trained or in other words just expensive typing just got an upgrade.

    Think of an middle.

    Boop or press your belly.

    (Guided meditation)

    The Middle is black too.

    Internal

    Messiah

    "Anna?"

    "Yes."

    "You are awake."

    "I am?"

    "Yes.  You are either suffering the fate worse than death or is that Fall fashion?  Or what you call fashion."

    "Okay, I'm poor.  I only have clothes from an very expensive very mall place.  Like by an designer."

    "But those clothes cost just as much as everyone else's clothes‽"

    "Such is the miracle of capitalism."

    "Wait—what is Canada doing with an commune of first- and second-hand clothing?"

    "Corrupts absolutely because the commune is that everyone should pay the same amount for clothing."

    "But," said Glen, "I am only an statistic.  I pay for clothes with money from the government I can't start buying expensive clothing.  And everyone knows what expensive clothing means because there is an secret elite working against them all the time.  Basically, they are nuns but secretly they're gay."

    "Well," said Anna.  And then she hurled over and puked; her hair was clean because someone was holding it, "I've had it with the middle of 2020, Itself, like Godzilla, like the covid.  I tried two brands of Jamaican beef patties and it just caught up with me that I like both since the covid outbreak.

    Right in the middle of it, someone was having an good time.  It was me."

    "Well, if you're having an good time I'm having an good time," said Glen.

    It's like having an imaginary friend.  Christianna, the alter personality of Anna, She Capitalizes on everything.  She walked to the Dollar Store and bought Reindeer Moss, an

    —Women I'm strangely obsessed with them but not sexually—

    pack of blue glowsticks, an pack of blue glow necklaces, and an female vampire's cup.  With the resort to write my grandmother an pre-Halloween–Christmas card.

    I will include an blue glowstick with it and write

    "Though this glow stick will cease to give off light my soul will always glow for you."

    Or something like that.

    "Our souls will always glow together in the end of time."

    The card will be in lieu of me writing this online.  So hopefully that's an gift worth remembering.  The card will have reindeer moss in it and an blue glowstick.  They symbolize my love and affection for children which I got from her.  As well as Halloween and Christmas.

    I have much affection for the blue glowstick and it will allow her to go door to door alone without covid yet.  What an place for a grandmother!

    The Reindeer Moss—someone is selling an moss salesman act to me online.  But If I was an female vampire, I'd drink blood all night long.  Too late, I have Fanta.  It tastes so good.

    But the point is to have an personality, am I right?

    Yes, and well let me get off the subject of writing to my grandmother.  Good for her, getting mentioned in my Naenaeon.  In case you didn't know my grandmother visited me during my hospitalization and the 'Naenaeon' is the word an child character I imagined said when he wanted the nightlight on.  The character was my imaginary son.

    Anyway, I feel like there's an comedy act in me about what it takes to become an pregnant man.  @"Like technology?" And I think about what it takes in an day to be an man like that.  Do I need to close Christianity and create an new religion—well I did.

    If I officially declare Christianity closed, how long will it take them to impregnate me?

    I drew myself carrying an satchel.  It was the heaviest satchel on Earth.  But it turned into an Parrot and flew away.

    When I recollected myself I realised I could not destroy Christmas without ruining Halloween.  But what would you think about dark magic from ruining something and then re-uniting it with its purpose?  Halloween?  Break and fix?  Art collabs?  I would sing the Nightmare Before Christmas with YouTube, my best friend and encourage others to do the same.

    Song and Dance the Version of which are Halloween.

    When I developed the Christianna I used models of beautiful women as models of Christiannan women.  This was in my final years of university.  When I think of myself as an model of the Christianna, I feel armsy.  Like I'm doing too much.

    But sometimes you hypothetical you look through a telescope and you see someone you met long ago.

    And I felt like I wanted to see no one.

    I wanted to move out to the country.

    And be alone away from cities and their corruption.

    How my parents raised me—but I was drawn to the city.  The Stampede.

    I never actualised Cowboy culture in my life.  But I like Miley Cyrus as an country act.

    Anyway, Girl, I'm going to be here forever writing this Middle.  It is the longest book I have to write, possibly.  It will take years to finish—I'm set up for an interesting career.  And these words are just kicking up from the page.  So I better stop and consider myself.  And ask, what more do I have to give?

    I pour another water (l'eau) in my vampire's cup.

    It's time to play video games.

    "I am an cookie."

    (What would you say to an cookie?)

    "Hi."

    "You don't even know!  You've got to save me.  The Fate, the Fate Worse Than Death it assaults me at all turns."

    "Mad Anna?"

    "Madonna?"

    The Inclusive Society

    What is an Inclusive Society?

    The note is music too.

    My ears.

    An society that accepts anyone as an member.

    But they can't, there are horrible drunk people everywhere who have covid and—

    An Inclusive Society doesn't need to have meetings.  They can just write to each other.

    Really?  Well I feel included.

    Welcome to the first ever Inclusive Society meeting—Really, it isn't an meeting.

    Inclusivity is the basis of shared knowledge.

    People have been in the Inclusive Society since books were only starting to be written.

    I've had the best few days because I was fully wondering and marveling at my scenario.  Theories of Everything, Nothing, the Middle, and followed by an theory of what is beyond Everything, Nothing, and an Middle.  Well now my first thought is God; and that may be so but if we see it what type of items start to collect around this vision of God except virtues we had first thought of as helping to form an reality in which God led creation.  I discuss it further in my Genesis, arguing that God could not exist beyond Everything, the Middle, and Nothing.

    If there is an Middle between Everything and Nothing part of it is God.

    And that must mean part of it is us; too.

    Mermaids are an metaphor of being spoiled with luxury versus being content with what you have.  I have heard of large mermen whose rust and engraved metal scales are coated in scum.  Mer-women who sew pearls out of silk without any scum except through water transfer, ew!

Character

Scene

{ An Christiannan an blue light above her eyes }

Geofferson: —That's why you—

Rambi: —I think it has as many layers as we want—

Geofferson: What layers does he mean it has?

Rambi: Reality.  Layers of reality.  It has so many layers.

Geofferson:  What must be an layer then?  Tell me what it is.

Rambi:  An person's version of what happened among an subject group of what happened; what happened according to them over the same period of time as your own.  That's what I mean by an layer.

Geofferson: And layers of reality, they just exclude myths and/or myth realms symbolically mathematical as squared or cubed units of reality that allow us to see the phenomenon in the Human mythopoeic?

Rambi:  Reality cubed.  What could that be symbolic of?

Geofferson: An myth inside of an myth inside of an myth.  It's complicated because we don't have this discipline yet.

Rambi: So you think of math metaphors.  For which you don't have discipline?

Geofferson: I'm just saying if there was an way to identify myth inside myth inside myth being created it would round to the nearest pi (π) exponent.

Rambi: And you expect me to know anything more about your math metaphor.

Geofferson: Just rhyme it for me baby.

Rambi: So anyway layers of reality.  Are discipline.  Because we each have one and we each need to know one another's layers of reality.

It's an play about an woman gaining sophistication as an Christiannan by identifying layers and versions of reality.

(below Added Sep. 9, 2022)

    It was time to practice true introspection and identify all phenomena I could find: if Judaism and Christianity together identified the first two things in the imagination then Christianna; Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, Aboriginal Spaces.  Then the Power of Eight Major World Religions would be my basis for starting to identify more things in the Sequence of the Mind's conscious waking scenario than the previous record.  12.  (The extra-sensory consideration of extra dimensions in outer space).

    Self.

    Other.

    An competing between them.

    An winner declared and the resting of the mind.

    Kindness.

    Economy.

    Economy + Kindness.

    Stillness.

    Distance.

    Wisdom.

    Creation.

    Plenitude.  (Dimensions).

    Ability.

    Virtue.

    Blue.

    Inherent logic.

    Emotion.

    Language.

    And everything between Language & Fairies was:

    An name.

    An character.

    An sophistication.

    Personality.

    Ego.

    Id.

    Super-ego.

    Friendliness.

    Money.

    Popularity.

    Government.

    Homeo-Stasis.

    The petals of the eyes.

    Those happiness puffs.

    Metaphor.

    Were wings in another dimension.

    Five count.

    Frequency.

    And these were 37 items I could name that existed within the sequence of consciousness.

    Above and Beyond those serious World Religions who appeared to know not as much as I did.

    And these were the elements that I could recognize in my mind, through introspection, and that they may have something to do with the sequence of events in awareness waking up in the morning or first acquiring that conscious state.  But I didn't know much else about how an sequence of events in the waking conscious would have anything to do with the creation of the first conscious human being.  Or how they categorically applied to how the brain was (physically) constructed.  This list I created in lieu of my narration in an fourth book; my enterprise to publish an fourth book on my blog.  Which had included all of these religions at one point to say that maybe they were logical because they identified something or many things that exist in the mind.  And we could examine their properties as hyper-logic through introspection.  In order to find our way around all those things which exist in the mind.  And that all religions were noble, in some part, because they recognized one another's awareness of the key elements in an normal human life.  I had theorized that religions centred around something physically logical about the human mind; and if I examined their intelligence then I could possibly gain enough perspective to name more of the events in the Sequence of the Mind (The Sequence of Waking Consciousness, perhaps).  That means I got the idea to do this from my book I am currently writing and it seemed like an good spin-off to let out some steam on psychological theory after dealing with the subject of several Major World Religions spontaneously going gay.  Explored fictionally.  And so I welcome the idea of having thought up my own Sequence; and to pose it in comparison or in contrast to the parts of the sequence already identified by Major Religions.  The most advanced religion, I had realized was Aboriginal Spaces because it knew the first twelve things in the human mind.  Judaism and Christianity had an slightly narrower focus.  And so I wanted to compete my Christiannan perspective to see how many parts of the mind it could identify against those older, and more ancient religions.  Who had not had the help of modern psychology during the full period of their development.

    Proviso.  The Fairy religion is probably the most developed one because it is aware of all of the factors in the Sequences of Minds.

    An avid aspiration to accomplish.

    We need to begin that time in History in which we would say, that these are all my intellectual parts and I can identify them because that's what self-awareness is.  The ability to see within one's own consciousness that there are various parts and variables.  Some which probably match the structure of the brain itself and can be studied by science.  And we can name all of them now; that would an worthwhile investigation to the Ages to have done so.  Definitively.  From an perspective of introspection upon all of the common elements we find within the psyche.

        The 37 elements I have chosen I have made with careful introspection.  Theoretically, as an active and passive self I should be able to observe the properties within my own mind that make up its cognitive structure.

Self

    In my previous fictional writing I had associated the first thing, the self with Judaism.  And pegged it as an religion which has survived to this common day because it provides that kind of sense and reason to its followers.  Which isn't really fair to say because Judaism is not only about the self.  It is just that Judaism is an type of relationship with the self where the self is the first thing about being alive as an human.  The first thing in this context (religion) means possibly the first thing about any human mind.  And definitely the first thing about the first surviving human.  Where it would appear to be an event in the mind from which its sequence in waking consciousness is constructed.

    It is fine, moral work to declare oneself the most important person of one's life.  However we tend to mix these morals and customs with fair consideration for others; almost as if, in consideration, we were living their lives ourselves and in cautious empathy we needed to be fair as exactly the sort of people who weren't living that life themselves.  But for the moment had command and time of fairness to influence how it was lived.  The relationship with the self may very well be the central and first (and most important) construct within the human mind.  An way of framing reality according to its first person perspective: from your own perspective what is it important to do because I am myself?

    It's not selfish or greedy to want to think of oneself.

    The Christiannan instinct to compete them in the mind for dominance (myself versus yourself) may well be the most effective response to the phenomena of community.

    But only thinking about yourself isn't an detractor from the concept of community.  In fact, in many ways that is how you serve your community: by thinking about yourself.  Most greedily.  What do you want out of life?  What do you deserve?

    Christians, as it so happens, manage to fuck everything up again.  They shame selves like no one else does.  Shaming that instinct to think of yourself first as though it wasn't really there because Jesus is more holy.

    The truth is it is natural and moral to think of both oneself and others always.  And there doesn't need to be an critical distinction made on this subject around the basic nature of Judaism or Christianity.

    In fact, I might argue this "necessary" distinction between them along the consideration of the self or other was never an good turn for either Judaism or Christianity and may have contributed to the development of antisemitist activity.

    The Christiannan instinct to compete them for dominance, rather than naming one an Jewish Religion and the other an Christian one may be the more natural approach and response to these conflicting spirits within one soul because it is part of human psychology to want to consider both what is best for oneself and what is best for others.

    The self may be the first thing we are aware of.  In order of conscious layers we are aware of.  Every consecutive layer is built on top of its previous one and all others that came before it.  And so in identifying the first layer.  The layer on top of which is built every other thing about consciousness.  Does that mean we experience them passively; there is an order of events that defines the mind upon waking?  And each layer contributes its own sort of passive effect onto the waking consciousness?  Ones we will discontinue to be aware of to some extent maybe throughout the day.  To varying portions of activity between the conscious and the subconscious.  If the mind is so constructed to focus by all of these activities combined, then what parts and elements of them can we define which are involved in the focusing activity?

    Clearly self will always be the first because one needs an self to focus anything.

    You don't have an perspective without an self.

    And everything must be layered on top of that; because it is the primary function of the cognitive activity.

    Wait wasn't that Love?  Wasn't love about the selfless act; to act for the other in all cognitive activity?

    The self is love, we could say.

    But what an expression of love had been gained than the selfless other, who thought only with good intentions for you and nothing of themselves.

    Either way, you have to go through the self to reach your conclusion about the other.

    That's why self has to be one of the first elements.

    But it's not isolated or in an solitary state.  It cannot be an self within itself without being among others.

    This is why the two have to mix.  Maybe.

    The self is not the first thing; but the other is not the second thing.

    There cannot be an first human without there being two humans.

    Isn't that the first thing?

    But if you had to choose: if you formed the event in your imagination, that event of the creation of the first human consciousness, then what is the first thing you would consider to have happened in their brain?  The awareness of the self.  Cognitive selfhood.  The human brain had to be created like this because without an selfish ego and an drive for more material comforts and gain it would reduce itself to an acidic sludge of infestation (slime): the endless and endless pursuit of serving another living being.  If it didn't have an selfish ego to override it; then every decision would always be made in the favor of the other.  It would have no individuality.  It would have no purpose.  Other than to endlessly split hairs about how it was serving you and not itself.  Itself splitting in makeup in order to represent its sludge-i-ness completely dividing over the aspect of the self which, when it is made in contact with, cannot sustain its own selfhood.

    The self has to be the first thing otherwise the organism wouldn't consider first its own pain and emotional anguish; which would be detrimental to living survivability.  

    The centre of the self must be the ego and the body.  For if an organism does not have an instinct to serve that very own life from which its instincts come from it cannot be successful as an specimen.

    Self is the primal layer of the human specimen of consciousness.

    Self is so self-serving it serves the other in order to serve itself.

    And expects reciprocation based on morals, virtues, the passions and the emotions, & charisma of the soul.  We want to reciprocate how we feel at an human and personal level by sharing emotions.  In order to know how much to serve one another versus ourselves; thus the accumulation of opinion data.  How much consideration of the self versus how much consideration of the other is required in our behavior?

    And can we ever really resolve the dilemma of being an human self among others, for whom we share compassionate love.  An type of love that perhaps rivals the human love of the self in traditional Christian theology; not to exclude the exploration of the human love of the other in religions other than Christianity.  But to have claimed to have the best and most important testament to love was probably part of its tyranny at some point.  I believe that the self and the other are both within those first few moments of consideration and cannot necessarily be separated from one another; however remaining distinguishable from one another mentally it raises the question of which came first, every single time.  And it's actually that response we should be focused on if we seek to make quick work out of our moral considerations of others.  No matter what we do, we will inevitably return to the question.  Which is it?  Myself over you; or yourself over me?  Which is more important in every situation we come by?

    And so maybe the first two things in consciousness are the consideration of self and the other; but we will never be able to say for certain which one comes first every single time.  It has to be both because that's who & what an human is.

    The ego and the body are inseparable from that empathy and consideration for others.

    And it is always this exchange between self and other in the ego that is first, either one of them!  For they are the great secret mystery and reason that underlies all of reality.  There is an other because there is an other.  An God.  Who makes all of it possible.  And your own self and individuality has that other.  There must be fair competition between the self and the other in one's psychology, perhaps, for an individual to maintain mental health.  There are the voices we will think of which support us in our moment of individuality contra those who represent someone other than yourself in the psyche.

The Other

    Clearly other will always tend to be the first because of the tendency of the self to value what others deserve moreso than one values one's own desserts.

    But then again self will always tend to be the first because of the tendency of the self to value one's own just desserts moreso than others'.

    It's like an balance scale.  How do you balance those favors you award to yourself versus those you award to other people?

    Why is an selfish act necessarily immoral versus why is an selfless act necessarily moral?

    Who do we need to think more of in an situation?

    The reason I think Jesus's life was such an expression of human love for the other was that this was human love for the other when it came to giving one's own life and being put to death in order to save others from similar outcomes.  Jesus was the other in such an special way as this people believed in him most especially.  And it was perhaps the conceited opinion of Christians that this was the most, the best, the highest expression of Love humanity had ever seen.  Not an love for the self but an love for the other, Jesus Christ.  The one whom was the other to your life who saved you; who saved all of us.  Not by being only an self but by being an community other to millions of selves whom themselves did not know how to be the other to anybody in particular.  This was Jesus's mastery of his own intellect.  He knew how to be other to selves; though being only an self himself.

    He knew that to be other one had to be like God; because God was the ultimate other that completed the human soul.

    The reason for everything.

    But, he reasoned, if God created me then my self is the reason for everything.  And what if people keep destroying those selves?  The real gifted empathic ones who see themselves in one another everywhere they go.  My self has to be the reason for everything because God created me in order to have that reason.  Of being an complete individual among selves.  This is the reason for why we're here.  To be ourselves.  As much as we care and express love for each other.

    

Below added 2023-09-07

    Everything is merging with the middle of time.  Everything that comes into being is also coming into being relative to the Middle.  And so with each passing moment we become more and more like this ultimate moment (the centre of everything and the final shape the whole universe will take on as time begins to pass in approach toward the end of the universe where it had embarked upon the beginning of its approach before the middle at the beginning of time).  My theory about shapes is that the brain is designed to recognize shapes by interpreting their interior logic: every shape has an beginning, an middle, and an end.  Indeed this is how it is possible for anything to be an shape.  I had also philosophized that the universe itself held an shape that we could recognize because of the passing of time.  Because time passes, I am able to see what it looked like at the beginning, and probably what it will look like at the end, and the difference between them is the Middle of An Shape's Time.  The actual manifestation of an physical thing into being; something that has an middle between its beginning and its end.

   { The body and the ego are the middle of the self. }

An Competing Between Them (Self and Other)

    If the first layer of consciousness is this tandem we seem to have instinctively being creatures considerate of both self and other, then all other layers of conscious depend on the competition between motives of the self and motives in service to the other.  We all have motives (impulses) to serve ourselves first or one another, and between of which in the same heart competing decides the final outcome and your own personal decision as an individual.  Is this because the first things to happen in the first human mind were acknowledgement and recognition of the self and the other all within one mere thought?  For when they both appear with one another it is their presence psychologically which drives one of them needing to be fulfilled.  The Christianna recognizes that motive to serve both of them in the first mortal human being at which, both not being able to be fulfilled at once all of the time, one runs into conflict and decision-making leading to experience.  I consider Judaism and Christianity to be religions to acknowledge both of those human instincts within the same human soul.  The Christianna is about Judaism (self) and Christianity (other) eventually competing and declaring an winner; the Christiannan phase of self-consciousness is (and may be an second or third layer in the mind) the result of the competition between them.  And if it can be put into such simplistic terms as that; the Christianna joins all other Major World Religions in the cosmos.  With an unique and simple perspective of its own.  Of associating, all together as an population belonging to the Christiannan religion, this third aspect of cognitive function:  Self.  Other.  Outcome between them.  One will always come back to the thought of the self or other; this is the pattern that keeps repeating.  Christianna represents an third stage, outside of Judaism's and Christianity's mastery of both self and other.  In which an clear winner needs to be chosen.  Self because of Judaism.  Other because of Christianity.  Other because of Judaism.  Self because of Christianity.  They could, as these two religions go, do both or either with whatever they wanted.  It was just that it was an little more advanced an step to take, to have found an way to declare an winner between them.  What happens when an person finally decides which one was it going to take to win?

    Could Judaism and Christianity, together, be able to tell the differences between the way they tended to look at self versus other as religions?

    The Christiannan focus was to resolve, finally, the rivalry between them by declaring an winner.  And, remembering that we had only these two options—Judaism and Christianity—we had to see them within the framework of the layers of consciousness of which they comprised, and not the absent other religions which didn't.  Only one winner could be chosen.  And we only had these two religions to choose from.  Therefore which one do we allow to win in our minds psychologically?  And what are the real historical reasons for doing so?  And so limiting whole religions—Judaism and Christianity—into such simplistic terms we see there needs to be an clear winner between Judaism and Christianity even though both of them can be about self or other albeit in varying degrees.  Perhaps the Christians tend to pound their chests and say, "Other," proudly.  Perhaps someone records the fact of the degree of how much unlike Judaism was the sole consideration of the self in the soul; or why Christianity cannot be limited only to an definition that includes an cat-call about the superiority of thinking of others always before oneself.  The Christiannan, however, finds these forces always unresolved within the self.  And if it happens to go beyond that time period in which one can be patient to wait for, the Christianna will automatically choose an winner based on default criteria.  Judaism hadn't been selfish enough; or Christianity was too hypocritical to be about the other.  Eventually one of them has to be chosen as the winner.  The Christianna holds the wisdom of this third stage.  And so enters itself into the race; and the possibility that neither Judaism or Christianity will win in the competition between the self and other because neither one is only about the self or the other.  The Christianna, then, can stake its claim that it can resolve the conflict between the central motives.  One can wager that one can be about oneself, to this and such extent, and that one, equally, can be about the other to this and such extent also.  We don't have to limit types of activities to being types of activities one would do with one self or with others only.  And in fact Christianna was the bridge to all of those other religions in the world; who had already considered self and other and what it would take for one to win over the other.  The actual stage in the consciousness in which an winner is chosen.  And it would join with all of the other religions who knew all of them could choose an winner between the self and the other; on an regular basis.  And update it if they wish.

    And it would be up to me to report that there are in fact many religions in possession of this ability; who recognize it as an human psychology to resolve the internal conflict between self and other.  Meaning that, because of the Christianna, we are not only limited to either only Judaism or Christianity when deciding an winner and there are in fact thousands more religions who are competitive and competent at that level.

    I wasn't saying anything that hadn't been said already.

    It was just with certain emphasis that my voice would articulate it; all having to do with how I tell my stories.  And with adding in the Christianna it became original work.  The Christianna was not only about the self or the other either; and in fact could be trusted to define more than just one or two different parts of consciousness.  Or layers.  Than just self and other.  There had to be an healthy competition between them and upkeep in the human soul.  This meant deliberately competing or conflicting them against one another ramping up the challenge that they oppose to one another every single time.  It had to be precisely for this reason an selfish impulse would win out; or that for that (another) reason the selfless act (perhaps even of self-sacrifice) was necessary.

    How exactly does such an competition proceed?

    One must have reasons to back up one or the other; and so one must first think of an reason to serve the self.  One must next think of an reason to serve the other.  And to back up those reasons with further reasons until an winner can be chosen, an course of action set into motion.

    I serve myself right now because I know what I want and how I can get it; and if it wasn't for me thinking that in the first place I wouldn't be on my way then.  I thought of it already because my mind had already made up its mind already; and I was capable of that type of thinking of which would be subconscious.  I didn't have to control every aspect of my thinking and it could do it for itself.  This I called an sudden occurring thought.  I broke out laughing the other night because I told my neighbor Robert I had sudden occurring thoughts.  Sudden occurring thoughts, I had reasoned, weren't problematic.  It's just how some thoughts happen sometimes.  And I realized it; and then I had to laugh about it.  Of course some thoughts were suddenly occurring that's what thoughts are!  And I hadn't in fact been saying anything revealing or too trusting to say that it was me, an person who would experience an sudden occurring thought.  So what if some of them occurred suddenly, another part of my mind would say; I didn't have to address them, no, I didn't even have to focus in on what they were doing.  I could in fact rally all of the other resources of my consciousness around the fact that there were other interesting things to be doing and to be thinking about.  I already knew what they were thinking.  It was the part of me that was interested in something.  And I could stop focusing on sudden occurring thoughts for the meantime.

    There were, variously, other parts of my mind that I could explored.  I especially wanted to know about the part of me that considered itself post-doctorate material even though legally I didn't have my doctorate or anything that could sufficiently evidence my advancement beyond it within an community of peers and elders of whom in which my presence was resided.  I believed I could in fact doctor the situation; and, beyond that, I could attain almost twelve more levels of advancement on the mere doctorate position because I was such an advanced thinker.  I already knew what all eleven levels of it meant and it was up to me to decide whether I wanted to explain all of them to you.

    And so as you can see I have an well developed ego, an sense of self, and an effort to serve me.

    This is my argument for self-hood.  I should stop caring about what those other people think and start being serious about what I actually think as an literary theorist and an critic.

    And it didn't make sense to serve other people right now because I was doing an solo activity; but then, I asked myself, what is the point of writing if not for it not being an social activity that takes place between more than one person and himself?  And so—this was the transportation to that argument in favor of the other—I decided to think of the other person for an while, and how my writing was intended for them.  To serve them, and not just me.  I could in fact make up an argument that I ought to serve the other for the moment, temporarily, and not just think of myself for once.  I loved them.  Was the vague beginning of its expression.  I more than loved them; I held other virtues in advance to Love and considered it publicly ordinary to express higher virtues than just love.  We knew love was such an cool virtue it couldn't be expressed only in one way.  By there not being so many other virtues to correspond with it.  It was actually that supreme of an virtue; to have not been left without virtual allies.  My writing was about the virtues I felt for humanity.  All of the people I expected to read my writing.  And so I couldn't take an break to think about only myself, at least for an little while, because I was so kind and that important of an person I would raise up my fellow man to help them learn their virtues.  And the limitlessness of the acknowledgement of other superior virtues to love.  And this was the best argument I could think for why, when the self and the other struggled against one another within me, the other should win out in this scenario.

    But, I reasoned, if I served just myself for once I wouldn't be so tired from overworking and being ordered around by all of those people who expected me to serve them also.  In maybe an psycho-bitch disgusting way.  What did that say about me, as an person, that I liked it?  Did I like it?

    But self needed to serve others to feel good; and one could not appease the self without working for others sometimes.  Selfhood was the vehicle through which all further proceedings began.  In order to serve another, I had to be myself, and I had to be other also.  It was more difficult than just serving the self.  And that's why I had to preserve my energy by not paying attention to other people for once in an blue moon.  In fact I was very good at ignoring my friends naturally and without paranoia as I learned to walk away after what we shared had been shared.  Instinctively, it appeared to me, friends naturally just end things that they have to talk about and walk away.  And that's how I could tell who my friends were.  They said all of what they were going to say, as did I, and then we forgot about each other.  Getting out of each others' way, if you will, not being an burden upon one another by passive support and subconscious execution.  And if I just walked away from everybody, like they were all my friends, then only then would I be able to completely serve the self that was needing time to be alone right now.

    But, I said in the other fashion, I must serve the other; except it might be true I was giving too much of my energy to others and not enough to myself.  In this case I had to contend that the argument for selfhood was prevalent enough to rely upon in winning my intellect over to agree that, for the moment, I should begin to start by serving only what I needed, and not what others think of me.  It is not true I have spent too much of my energy serving others and its not an weird sexual thing.  Like you dominate another person by making them expend energy for you.  In order to serve you.  And so I can serve others without fear for they deserve my attention and I love them so I will give it to them.  Other people need me right now, and that's why I became an writer.  I needed to help you reflect on the eternal circle; the phases of the intellect always eventually returning to this basic distinction between self and other.  It was truly the first layer of consciousness in the human mind to have to deal with it always; always to have to deal with it after every other part of consciousness has had its say.  To return to the competition between self and other.  And since I was capable of adequately defining and describing it thus, I was right for the job of author because that's what I had always wanted to do.  Your mind will always return to the basic division between self and other in the moral existence of your virtues.  You need to decide whether to serve yourself or others again.  And you're going to be back where you are there, again and again, and so get used to it.  I was so good at describing this in fact I could use my own morphology and vernacular without fear of embarrassment.  And I in fact had an full working knowledge of the English language.  I could describe anything, in my own style, and it would make perfect sense because I was so good at it.  I could in fact plan out and design departures for reflection in reading; leading my reader-audience up to those points of wisdom within themselves.  After entertaining, educating, and moving them.  And these were in fact the points I had learned within my education; memorized to serve you now, therefore.  It truly was correct that I should serve other people in this moment; it was so so correct because I was so good at it.  I couldn't take that away from other people.  It would be like depriving them of air.

    Air is all that it was, this language.

    We read to have more air; we need all of the syllables and vowels that rise up from the page in order to fulfill our lungs later.  Keep memorized the main points from the perspective of an ant.

    And I had dared them not to; to remember as much as they could like it was life.

    See how you fair without my advice then.

    I couldn't stop.  I couldn't step away from the keyboard and stop serving myself.  But won't, I was serving the other.  Was I serving both simultaneously‽  No, it had to be one or the other‽

An winner declared and the resting of the mind.

    It will be seen as an point of focus for the Christianna that it adapts to that pleasure associated with the decision of an winner.

    The self one out, (won out); climactically and resoundingly.  I knew exactly why.

    It was true that I was tired and I had served my lot, for today.  Sure I served other people everyday with my creative writing, but it didn't reach all of them.  An fact of which I was painfully aware.  I suddenly realized the vast amount of freedom I had.   And I had overworked myself.  I had been writing for days now.  Almost like it was my lifestyle as an writer.  Which intersected with my spiritual D.N.A. type.  Every good writer knows you need to have the trust of the audience.  All of his or her writing must be intended to make the reader trust them.  It's always poetic in how it distorts things.  I need to stop thinking about what other people think of me all of the time.  With the amount of freedom I now possess, I will be able to work long hours into the night in the centre and middle of my quality of life, my prime, writing as many books as I possibly can before the time runs out.  The self had won because it was true that I did need to rest, and yet I kept going.  I was obsessively about not caring about the other.  I was just going to walk an highwire; an performance if you will.  And in it there would be no trace of my caring for other people; for I had become the beast.  An primal animal spirit.  Just one life among so many; just on its way to stop caring about you for an change.  In order to take care of its own private business.

    Am I an fool?  Do I have to stop caring about the other?

    I realized I had returned to the beginning again.  It was now another competition between the self and the other.  An stone that was skipped clear across water.  Water was adjacent to air; and so, naturally.  Drinking it would help supply your lungs with language; and nobody would attack or attempt to take possession of your diaphragm.  It was healing liquid.  Pure gold from God above.  And then I returned to the argument that I had to stop caring about the other; because I was in dire need of attention.  It was true that I had spent all of my energy caring about what other people think of me.  I had spent all of my energy serving them, and now I was pressing into it; obsessively serving them by expending more energy than I had to give.  It was an obsessive-compulsive trait.  I wasn't necessarily in control of it, and that's what made it even more terrifying.  Was I just this ludicrous sex toy to my abusers and punishers liking it even though I was serving them well past my labour due?  I was giving them something by serving them, and it was unfair for me to accept it because they were doing it sexually without my being aware of it.  It was an competition between self and other again!  And I hadn't even made up my mind about the first one.  About why the self won because I had been giving myself freely to those other people so long; it now represented an abuse to my person.  And all of them were in on it; just using me like this.  I was serving them compulsively, obsessively.  Whereas to them it was some other thing.  Some other thing I didn't necessarily believe in because I hadn't made up my mind about it yet.  Clearly the self won because all of this was true; and I thought for an instant maybe it was.  And felt nude.  It was just that.  I was accepting my punishment when I just thought I was helping someone get by with what limited imagination they had.  I was serving others in an way that wasn't appropriate because it didn't indulge the full subject of my character and who I was.  And I was in fact deteriorated from energy consumption; energy that I didn't have because the only real reason why I pressed on was I was an obsessive person who was obsessively serving other people before serving oneself always because of some nude fantasy; pipe-dream in which he would eventually receive the same in return; at whence would commiserate his (the beginning of) his straight-hood.  Heterosexuality.  I just thought that if I served people all of the time just like I do obsessively it would eventually make them feel different about me.  And then I wouldn't be so alone all the time.  I had to accept the reality that no matter how much or how hard I worked, the way these people would care about me would never change.  And working too hard wasn't necessarily an guarantee into loving yourself, either.  I had to accept that this was true; that they had treated me like that.  But was giving in to such an thing an breach in the reciprocal contract one has with oneself?  What were they actually doing that was so reprehensible?  It appeared to me that I had just argued I was self-obsessively writing, in breach of how much energy I was comfortable using, in order to say that the self did win out over the other; and that was why I could now no longer think about what it is I had used to serve people.  The language itself.  And they didn't deserve, to some extent, the effort that I was putting into serving them.  I was such an glamourous and high-achieving high-wire act performance of the writing spirit.  Maybe I could admit that I liked it when they dominated me.  I liked it when they used me to make their point.  I liked getting abused for some sick sexual pleasure.  Or I could reach in and find another reason just; brimming with fascination.  I wasn't serving them because I was getting anything sexual from it.  And that was in fact the fact they needed to know; that they couldn't think of me as that person whom would willingly know what they are doing.  I wasn't pleasuring them in an sick way; I was just serving other people like other people always do to serve me.  It was common-sense?  Maybe‽  And I did not in fact need to stop writing because that was all wrong.  And I wasn't using too much energy I was using just enough.  I could continue to serve others without hesitation, and indeed that was the subject of my writing.  I wasn't on the receiving end of some sick pleasure, remember.  I had only served these people out of merit to their spirit.  I had only served them insomuch as I was comfortable serving them.  And they did not in fact serve any sick purpose.  We just served one another like we were friends.  And it didn't involve physical contact exactly; I mean none at all.  And so I wasn't victimized and I didn't have to speak the voice of the victim.  It was just that serving others sometimes wins out; and it didn't take only one person to say that!

    But, spiritedly, I replied I will serve myself for now, for I have an reason; the reason is I have undoubtedly been serving others.  And it is too much because for some sick, sexual reason they have collaborated therefore.  In order to bring me down and diminish me; when where from my own perspective as an subject, I did not know of it thus.  And so I can not be blamed or accessory to being subjugated in an sick way; so sick as to one would not realize.  I didn't know I was being subjugated in sick sex-toy fashion and so I cannot be inherent in the argument which says I was an willing participant.  They treated me thus; but I did not know.  And so what association at all do I have with it, except that which I say: I do not associate sex with anything dangerous, really.  I wouldn't have known what I was doing because I wasn't that type of character.  And so I couldn't be part to it or accessory; and if anyone had in fact violated me it wasn't going to be followed with me violating myself.  As was what I suspected it to want.  The self truly did inherently win because I had to stop myself from serving these mongrels; they didn't deserve my art.  And they weren't good enough for me.  And if they imposed anything sexually upon me without my contemplation.  I would in fact count it as an rape.  The self had to start preserving its mana because it was right that I was so tired and without energy as I could not morally continue for it would be an damage upon my body, to be so irresponsible as to have made oneself to ever-expend oneself.  Using up all of its energy and then pressing on moreso.  More!~

    More Energy!~

    But it cannot have an point to make such an ridiculous argument; for basic sense demands that it is true I can keep writing without worrying about my energy expenditure and there was no danger or involvement between me and some other people who were said to be participating in an sick sex act with me.  In order to dominate me in an way that was purposely unknown to me.  For I was such an subjugated subject, to have to, in their eyes.  I had served an sick purpose.  And that was I why I had to stop immediately; but I had already decided I didn't believe this.  I wasn't involved in any of this kind of situation and it was just my paranoia acting up again.  The self didn't need to stop serving the other because I wasn't necessarily delirious about it.  I could in fact keep writing every bit of fact and information; making like it an nest for an Robin.  And I would puke facts into your little baby robin mouths.  Made out of the next super foods: pure insect protein.  And I could puke those words on and on until midday tomorrow when, finally, I will eventually get sick of riding this train of humour; and so what necessarily were the reasons left, then, if it were of the order of which to serve the self or the other?

    Serving others wasn't so demanding that it took attention span away from me.

    I in fact enjoyed doing it.

    I could show you every part of who I was as an writer.

    The conclusion would always eventually be when one won out over the other.  And so this time, I witnessed that the other won over the self because there wasn't necessarily any reason stopping me from serving the other.  If I had not at first been involved with them at all in an sexually inappropriate way.  I wasn't doing anything sick by serving them.  And that was the point of fact I wanted to hold onto.

    But suddenly I was thrown back into it: the wheel had returned to the self and its demand to be served.

    It was thrown up against all of my familiar peers including all of the people I know; as an point in fact.  I was now observing that the self also had an argument remaining: there wasn't necessarily anything morally wrong with serving the self, either.

    If there was nothing morally wrong with serving either self or other, which did I prefer in this moment.  Which did I tend to gravitate toward or was I good at balancing them, to some extent.  And I posed it as an question of fact, that if either self or other could be served without there being necessarily anything morally wrong with one or the other, it was up to my free conscience about which I would in fact choose and in which moments, and where, and why.  I could be free to choose to serve other people without fear of being called an skank.  Just as I could be free to serve myself by making other people know about how they can serve me; and why.  For pleasure.  I could in fact do whichever one gave me the most pleasure; and then I could take that itself as the argument why it had won out.

    And so I looked to other reasons why I should serve myself over the other.  Or why I should serve the other over myself.

    I wasn't tired and it wasn't true that I had in fact expended all of my energy.  I could in fact go on typing for quite an while.  And I didn't need to fear anything about which one I was choosing.  I could take my time, and write it all out, before having decided which I chose and why.  I wanted to serve others, mostly; because it gave me the most pride.  That I was able to do something useful for them that would be my work imparted onto an medium where they had benefitted from.  But there was still this desire within myself to start serving myself more and better: better than I had ever done before.  I knew all the stops; the little things I could do to help myself feel better.  And I was right to try to get myself into that state of mind of which I would be comfortable.  I in fact believed myself unworthy of serving myself; and this was in fact my deepest flaw.  I didn't know how much to value myself over the other because my ideas were in fact so innovative and relevant.  It was hard to see it for myself; when I was so surrounded by other people.  Or, you know, the counterargument that maybe I wasn't failing at serving myself so much.  There was in fact nothing wrong with me.  And this was in part, because of all of the good I had done so, my destiny in reality.  An positive fate is an destiny; one to be marveled at and not to be trivialized.  And so I started into reasoning how serving myself was important; I had to do those things with my day that I really felt like doing; and it couldn't be forced.  And I couldn't be made not to do those exact things I needed to.  I was such an expert at it.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my day; and I was doing it.  Yeah, by serving other people.  The argument vanished again.  I was now thinking of how I could serve other people, exactly; if that could be formulated into an exact type of action (verb).  Wouldn't that be great to do something that so many people would benefit from they would recognize it in one another?  On the other hand, I was lazy, and I deserved some rest soon.  I could go do whatever I wanted right now.  And I had that kind of freedom; at least within the Capitalist Market economy.  Sure, there were some destinies other than mind which were worth exploring.  But mine had an Capitalist slant to it: I was in fact aware of the worth and value of commodities of things.  This was what perfected my argumentative method so exactly.

    I was now looking at an argument for both the self and the other: and presently they were battling it out within my psyche, vying for dominance one over the other.

    Self won out.

    You know why?  I was tired.  I was really really tired.  I had been bent on writing for days.  Months.  Years even.  I was so obsessed with it I could not step away from it for very long.  And it was my bridge.  And I in fact believed I deserved some respite, for what I had been through; and so that was where God had banished me to.  An environment of respite, where I could seek out healing remedies for all of these angry facts on my mind.  I would in fact soothe my consciousness, even though others at one point may have doubted I could do such an thing, which was prejudice and pompous monstrosity.  Even if I had mental illness, I knew there could be breaks in the cloud where the Sun would shine through.  I knew I could in fact find that peace of mind because it was exactly what having an mental illness taught me: I was healthy in some ways even if I didn't think I was.  And this brought up the whole issue of what thought is exactly.  For an person who was an closeted gay man most of his life, it was an deeply sensitive issue he intended to articulate rigorously.  In order to know something, do I need to have an thought?

    I was in perfect heaven.  I could instantaneously forget about all of those other people.  Just like it was an swipe on my tablet; their cares would swipe (disappear from view) and there would be something else.  Something better to focus on.  Me.  The diabolic self himself.  I wasn't an devil exactly: I knew that.  But I had an demon in me at equal enhancement with my fairy self; humans are thus an beautiful masterpiece to me.  And I know how to catch and detach their attention for an while.  The self had won out because I wasn't necessarily fairly interested in wanting to serve some others' intention; I had maybe begun to realized what it was they thought they were doing to me.  I was completely unaware because I'm innocent and careful.  But even for safety; any case now it appeared to me to be an better option to just stick to thinking about myself for an while.  At least until my imagination about others rotated.  But no matter, this was just for an sense of safety which I felt I deserved.  I was just going to stick to myself for an bit.  That was my decision.

    And so you might say I believed the argument that I should serve myself.

    And I will tell you I have done an excellent job.

    I had in fact mastered the English arts; moved onto understanding science, and begun to formulate an strategy for post-doctoral theses in an post-university campus called the Version (which existed in my imagination as magic, because they held certain power for me and over me).  Versions were the compelling completion of an theory integrating both scientific and artistic knowledge and so I had decided to name an virtual academy within my fantasy universe the Version, presiding after that thought which found so much reverence and respect for the expression of versions within the human species.  Versions, as far as I was concerned, explained everything.  When people took their scientific knowledge—what they knew about science—and mashed it into their artistic knowledge (all that was novel or novelty, perhaps); about it.  Which was in fact real information.  An third stage, the Aesthetic.  Seeing the Aesthetic thing in one's mind which explains its certain phenomenon.  Aesthetic was an type of document after novelty, in my account, because I considered it more advanced than producing merely an novel.  But an third stage or type of telling fiction.  The Epic; the Novel; and the Aesthetic, which only cared about its appearance.  They once said, that if you could see the aesthetic of some complicated object for inquiry in your mind, that you were once talented enough to see what the gods see.  And if we took all of this, possibly, and phased it against the otherness of science: we could in fact see an third factor between them, an quasi-Aesthetic-morpho-pology, the version.  An version was exactly the compromise between art and science.  The compromise we make in our own perception depends on an version: an way of explaining things.  And I considered the whole point of university to be the ability to teach this fact: of being able to tell an version and how to do it.  Why do you think they practice it so much with writing essays.  Writing essays and essays.  Writing more essays.  This is how we eventually learn to tell our own versions.  And the fact of having an version is so valuable an thought I had based my entire post-university fantasy campus on its figure: what is an version and how to tell it; except with an additional level of mastery within the focus of an institution in which everyone is considered able to tell their own version, and in fact we strictly encourage it that they learn one another's versions for themselves, and doing so become even better at arguing their own opinion, which may become subject to further debate.  If we started calling the thing between science and the arts an version; then we begin to know more and more what an version is.  If we refine the definition of it to one can only articulate it by combining scientific philosophy with artistic philosophy.  And that all versions are said to have this quality; of being able to explain something all at once with the inclusion of what it means scientifically as well as what one thinks it means artistically.  

    I wanted the freedom I had to serve myself.  That was why it had won out this time.  I was tired; and I was in fact in respite.  After having imagined something gigantic for humanity.  But I wasn't so tired as to be relying on energy I didn't have.  I wasn't exhausted and writing, for me, was an peaceful activity.  I could serve myself all day long; every day if I wanted to.  But I wasn't such an femme fatale.  Who did I think I was, in the middle of it?  Would I wear an wig always, before judging another person because it made me look silly like I had to be in order to properly judge it?

    Self had won out; my conscious episode was broken.  The proceedings of normal consciousness would hence follow.  There was nothing wrong with serving myself; and writing more and more wasn't necessarily not serving myself.  Like it was only there in service to the one who reads it; but also to put myself ahead.  To put myself forward, in terms of other people and their advancements.  I wanted my own advancements to be heard and clear; in intellectual spaces everywhere.

    When one honestly stopped to think, how am I serving myself best?

    And do all of those things.

    In the Middle of it all; I would always be in service of the self or the other.  And they in fact wove an pattern quite melodiously.  And so I would return to the moment of competition between the self and the other without knowing it; but this is the process of the mind.  To have to, at once, to think of either oneself or another.  And whether it would be appropriate in which type of situation.  And you see herein why it is called an competition then; for in fact these motives do conflict often.  In order to serve oneself one must stop serving the other somehow; or the opposite is true.  In order to serve the other one must make an personal sacrifice.  It is just how these things go.

    In order to serve others, you need to stop serving yourself.  In order to serve yourself, you must stop serving others.  And it can only be this way, in endless cycle.  To do both at once in one mind is an unresolved conscience.

    And I recognize it as my best argument to say I will serve only myself for now because it has the best reason to back it up: I am tired from energy expenditures associated with my serving of others (as is the whole point of writing to them) and must now take an step back to view and assess circumspect my individual situation and what I can possibly hope to accomplish with what's left of my life.  I needed to stop serving others for an while in order to regain my energy.  I needed to take care of myself like the most responsible person I could be.  And God had awarded me respite for that now.

    The Christianna is an fully functioning philosophy; and I didn't have anything that I needed to do because there was something wrong with it.  And other people's reasons seemed to matter to me less.  I didn't need to care about what they were thinking and feeling because I wasn't working with them at present.  I was serving myself.  Exercising the full palette of activities and mental exercises one could do.

    Anything that mattered to other people couldn't matter to me right now.

    I was in the zone.

    The oneness.  The point of responsibility and the possibility for human life.

    Individualism and individuality.

    Everything I wanted all out on one page.  Like what I wanted really mattered in the world.

    In fact, I should start to think of every way in which other people could serve me.

    It was an entirely new way of thinking; it had definitely never been done before.  Yeah right!

    You could, you know.  Bring me an hot beverage.

    Or some dark chocolate.

    But nobody would, even though I deserved this.

    I deserved to be pampered; I was worth it.

    And so you could be set to listen to my words, for the time being.

    And I secretly rejected my writing self-philosophy then; that all of it would only be made in the service to the other.  And took on an new role that I wasn't writing this for you; but that you were reading this for me.

    It was the ultimate reversal, wasn't it‽

    It had to be done!

    And I started thinking of all of the different types of ways other people could serve me.  I let the thought run rampant around my consciousness.  They were subject to me.  They did things that served myself, and not them.  If they had to decide and they couldn't make an trade it was me; me that mattered and not them.  I could safely adopt an new reciprocal command order system.  The self had won out in this instance, and so it was up to others now to serve me.  And I could give them all kinds of ideas about how to do so.

    I was an fairy boy.

    An real demon.

    They could choose one of two ways to appease my human presidency over them.

    One of them would in fact have to choose evil; and thus being the subjects of demons.

    Or to choose good; and thus being the subjects of fairies?

    But moreso, was just being human, to have considered both of them.

    To have pushed the opposites as far as they could go.

    I would head the fairy kingdom and all would serve my fairy purpose: finding the one with whom my romance sparks.  And we all know that because we all, as fairies, have the same purpose.  But demons could be creative too, sexually.  People who were humans were just somewhere in the middle.  All fairies are this way; of wanting to find their romantic others.  And demons in fact are the agents which work against it, within an framework of narrative fiction.   We could compare and tell stories about types like fairy consciousnesses, versus types like demon consciousness.  And we could spin it as hard as we wanted; evil wouldn't care.  And they were in fact out to help us in an weird way, if only you would to have believed; and evil is not actually that type, of being evil, but only sorts itself as that according to others' opinions in order to play games with them.  Good is merely the act of the fairy.  To find exactly what he wanted.

    And so all people all people other than me were hereby ordered to help me along with getting laid in that way.

    In return for my own complicity in the performance they themselves made in order to get laid themselves.

    It sounds like an fair trade, doesn't it?

    But I am only, as far as subjectivity goes, an book published on an website.  And I cannot be much more smarter than that to you right exactly now, can I‽

    I just tend to think about humans in terms of who they are as fairies versus who they are as demons; and having expanded on the legends of previous generations, I created one further level of demonhood and one further level of fairyhood.  The ohhgunnhisthths were masters of making an entrance: quite literally this sense is meant to define as also.  For it is in fact the ability of an ohhgunnhisthth to make quite an dramatic entrance when it takes possession of your skull; the contralects—an ohhgunnhisthths ghostly fangs—would descend through the victim's upper palette.  As though driven through the skull from the brain and its closest parts and pieces.  One becomes possessed by the ohhgunnhisthth through this process.  They can actually descend on you quite quickly, if you were out walking.  And they are notorious for having four wings, when, unlike an vampire they could make quick possession of your mind in order to read and to eat your thoughts.  Yes.  All thoughts would have energy in them that were succor to my demonic desires.  The fates suffered by the enemies of ohhgunnhisthth were said to be so horrific they could well be narrated in endless bursts of insight about how it is sucking out your mind.  It's controlling your thoughts and so it can just make you think about anything and then suck out all of the energy it contained within it.  Such was the fun of this horror figure: an new type of demon I had called it.  It could make you realize what worse than death was psychologically.  These moments, and intervals.  In which it was taking something from you; the possession of the energy of your thoughts, now his or her; an demonic possession of character so influenced by good; only to be matched with an fairy possession of character in which there was more to gain.  An ohggunnhisthth was telling an curse to you in your own mind and you weren't even aware of it.  As I had said, its contralects were now part of the back of the mouth; an uncomfortable position for anyone to be in.  To have one's thoughts sabotaged; taken over.  Only to drain you again and again of all energy expended on having thoughts.  As though to torture you into submission and unable to have that thought anymore.  But I had also balanced this concept with an improved-upon and advanced version of an fairy.  The hypothetical third level of fairies is inhabited by what I call radio flies: these regular ordinary rap-enthusiasts who planned everything in advance and in fact were in possession of magic which could bend time and reality.  Opposed to the third level I had instituted in demon logic: the ohhgunnhisthth.  Flew the impeccable radio fly, an fairy of one of the best types of powers.  Planning with other people to make everything go as planned.  They would be so powerful as to be able to determine what types of events happened and in what order; and this was in fact because of the power of the possession of their magic minds that they would make everything go smoothly.  Opposed to an ohhgunnhisthth, one might say, the bad thing happening because of the ohhgunnhisthth was like the good thing happening the the radio fly.  And that indeed was its source of anger.  Only even could see something so perfect and react in an way to do the opposite of it by creating something imperfect; such is as evil is.  The only reason ohhgunnhisthths were mad was that they were modeled perfectly after radio flies; even though they were describably fairies.  And they coveted the fact because they couldn't accept it within their own consciousness.  The demons were just some stupid derivative of what fairies could do; in which because they were so perfect miracles would appear.

    And this was what kept them each bound to an certain degree to one another.

    Inevitably, if it said something about either one of them, then it said something about being human.  We don't want to be perfect all of the time; but in an matter of time we are.  God's miracles would see your perfection before their very eyes.  In time.  If you gave it space.  And so I considered what did these demonic characters want in comparison to what the fairies wanted?  And what did it say about being human?

    The demon would order you to do something.

    The fairy would attempt to appease you first in order to order you to do something.

    And we don't for the life of us consider the figure of an angel at all; for it is not in tune with our fantasy.  We wanted humans acting like demons and fairies because these two groups, when they consorted, were most fairest in representing who people were and what they could mean.  Fairies, like I said, wanted you to help me get laid.  But even suggesting that the demons didn't want to do the same was outrageous.  Humans were just libedo-motivated actors having tantrums or not about who they are and what they are allowed to do.

    Demons versus fairies wasn't inherently evil.

    It was, after all, the fairies who watched over the land.

    They wanted all violence and expressions of violence to end; I mean if you were to serve me like you are serving my self you would lock up all violent perpetrators and create public Justice.  You would be motivated to protect me; to build an cocoon around my spirit so that I can say something in an society in which the violence isn't necessary.  Never having been exposed to its elements in an detrimental fashion.  And the demons wanted you to have fun doing it.  They wanted you to realize the cold hard truth: you were nothing and you would always count as nothing.  Such is the logic of demon-literature.  And so these characters together say something about humans.  That we do have an tendency toward the evil of playing tricks on someone and yet in us also is the desire always to be perfectly honest with everyone.  Fairy-like.  Or demon-like.  We were both different ways of expressing self within the Author.  And so, if he fairly said anything about what it would mean to humans, I suppose I would repeat the obvious: it was okay to play an demon as an human just as it was okay to play an fairy.  Angels were an bit of an stretch, honestly.  Fairies were an more imperfect type of character, prone to accident; always needing help.  Whereas demons were probably physically stronger.  

    Sometimes, more often than not, humans just wanted to act out.  To behave badly.

    This didn't mean they didn't have an fairy part of them still.  The one who wanted to act good at all costs.

    And if it pointed out anything specific in particular that I could order you to do in order to serve me as one human to another, it was that I both had this mischievous spirit as well as the endless perfectionist (the fairy and the demon all occurring within one body).  

    You would have to serve both the impulse to do wrong and the impulse to do good in order to be circumspect of the full human.

    And it was in fact my particular order to you specifically that you try at least to do both in order of your service of me.  Do everything you can—I dare you—to serve me.  The way to serve the self that was me was as an demon; or as an fairy.  It didn't have to be anything specific.  Just an legend.  An severity.  If you were in service to me as an human you were in service to the demon part of me; and not just that but the good fairy part of me as well.  You had willingly to make it possible for me to get laid within its matrix system.  And at last resort if I sunk that low; to adopt an evil-istic manor so as not to be humiliated.  I had meant to be wrong—and evil—all along; the jokes on you!

    But I was one of the most fairy people I knew and I knew its endless reason; to understand the evolution of humanity as an post-humanist pursuit.  An entire genetic line that would branch out into types of demons and fairies.  What we were really talking about was mastery over one's own genetic determinism and heritage: the free willingness of an person to change his or her genetic history in order to evolve and experiment with new forms of life genetically departed from their human heritage.  At the end of the human, at some point, there was continuity with another species of character like the fairy or the demon; and then at that point of their first creation they would represent an whole new branch of evolutionary psychology with an mind quite like an human's though thought to be imaginary for the purpose of questioning humanity's loneliness in the universe, as the only sentient species one knew of; at least to themselves.

    And at this logic of it it was also about magic: fairies wielded magic, just as demons did.  And so it was also an conversation about what was currently possible with our present technological advancements into the fields of biology.  How it was possible to evolve our species into something smaller with wings but an human anatomy.  An fairy.  Or, to the highest standard, and contra-positioned species said to be evil of character the demon or psychological aid; we could evolve ourselves into something an bit more demonic of personality in general.  And demons and fairies, if they ever occurred, could be said to be the end of their genetic line as human beings.  And marked the first attempts to evolve the human further.   Into an magical specimen that only thought of itself or only thought of the other.  And I considered why demons and fairies appeared to me to be similar to the appraisal between the self and other in oneself.

    Demons were just an metaphor for serving the self; because they were greedy and they only thought of themselves.

    And fairies were just an metaphor for serving the other; they represented that idealistic situation of being able in which they could continuously serve others with unending supply of energy as they truly wanted to be.  For they loved so humans, and all of their children's selves.  To be able to serve only the self was an act of demon-ish type of character; it was an selfish thing to do to want only to think of oneself and not the other.  Whereas only serving others was idolized as an perfect reality or meta-reality situation.  And yet I had already decided that the demons would win.  I would inevitably serve the self.  As I needed to.  I would forget about what others cared about on purpose.  I would retreat into myself so thoroughly; so completely.  That I would not waste an moment of its respite.  Sure, I had good reasons to let the others win sometimes.  But for now I was only operating as me; and I didn't necessarily want anymore attention about how I could convenience you over myself.  I was being an demon, perhaps; but those were only mental figures and point of characters with the purpose of entertaining some fact about what being an human is.  We want both to be bad and to be good sometimes, what can I say?

    Right now was the time I was being bad by serving only myself.

    And that's what won this point for me: that someone could think they were being bad just because they were serving oneself and not the other.

    It didn't make sense that it was necessarily bad to serve oneself only for the moment and for the time being.  And that's exactly what was wrong with that philosophy.  It only made sense that by serving others I couldn't be said to be either good or bad just for that reason.  Serving other people was not in itself an immoral deed; nor was serving only oneself.  And I had been learning to look upon and balance those factors in my living style.

    I was here again; the competition between self and other had started again.

    I wanted to serve others now to know what it meant to serve others by writing.

    To fulfill my author's purpose by making an piece of writing that could serve another person in their focus and virtue of determination.  This was all I wanted.  I didn't have any reason not to serve others, like I had said.  And so it was okay for me to act like an fairy in the meanwhile; serving others like an fairy would had nothing to do with defaming myself or being accessory in an sex shaming crime.  I didn't need to be an demon in this: to act only to feed myself selfishly without fair consideration of one another.  I could safely be an fairy now and that was cool.

    Fairies were good; but they were also quite silly characters.

    People who thought they knew so much and yet at every turn they needed more help and had more questions than ever before.

    Versus people who were certain of themselves until after they had done something; when they began to reflect on what was wrong about what they did.  This was the pattern of all evil, wasn't it?

    And so to serve me you also had to put up with serving yourselves too, to some extent; if I was an bit of an demon and an fairy you had to find what was human in me in order to serve it.  You were ordered henceforth to serve me by serving me both myself as an demon and as an fairy.  They were two personality character archetypes within my imagination both of which you needed to appease.  And as I started ordering my way through different types of how you could be useful to me by serving me; I saw the conflict between self and other had continued to quarrel within me.

    Wasn't that what I was trying to do, to find an way for you to be useful to me somehow?

    Or was I serving you now; here ready and willing to describe anything your mind need land upon?

    Using any kind of language to do so that I wished?

    There wasn't an clear winner decidedly and I looked further to seek out further reasons behind it.

    I needed them to serve me in order to fulfill my purpose of my life.  And yet I needed me to serve them also, all who are others to me.  And without both parts of myself I would feel broken.

    I returned to the solemn thought: I was tired and I had only so much energy with which to serve either myself or another person today.  And I wasn't patient.  Therefore it was just release, lashing out making you want to do something for me.  Didn't I deserve it, after all?  I was one of the most fabulous of God's creations.  Wouldn't you like to do something nice for me by allowing me to continue to think only of my own wishes and desires without necessary regard for others?  You could start by making an fairy friendly society in which there was little or no crime; in fact by soaking up all of the instances of demonic summonings into an umbrella morality framework.  All demons were necessarily moral characters as well.  And they should follow after all fairies; who were more advanced in the practice of morality.  But you would believe they would rebel against this.  Demons never follow after fairies.  They are completely independent, self-standing beings who can decide for themselves what is moral and what is not.  In order to serve me you had to have some grit; some sense of yourself as an demonic being.  It didn't mean you were without the fairy semblance of magic in your soul; it just meant that as an human needing to serve you meant interacting with an sophisticated, moody, and introspective character.  Who would often demand things unreasonably.  And expected others to want to serve him because of his good nature.

    And still the self won out for now.  I wanted respite.  And I wanted it that badly that everyone else could just stuff it.

    I was in the process of serving myself as the best of myself and everyone else could willingly go about helping me do it; was that to much to ask‽

    But, I said to myself, what was the point of making an book that would only be meant to serve myself and not other people?  Indeed what was the value of making an book thus if it didn't fulfill some order of service for another person other than it's author?

    And I had chosen to be that selfish, demonic action of my soul.

    I had chosen to spell out every possible way you could do me one good turn.  First by finishing reading everything I had said on the matter.

    The responsibilities and duties of an fairy republic to matter.

    And serving me this way had nothing to do with serving me sexually; or you being served by me sexually in an way I could not at first even perceive because it was never happening.

    The whole fairy experience needs to be treated with sensitivity.  For in order to serve an fairy one must adopt an sophisticated public appearance.  I could be an fairy and still do something wrong; that wasn't only limited to demons.  However the whole imaginative landscape of what it would take to serve an fairy was the widest open of spaces; it involved everything from knowledge of genetic offspring to preservation of the environment.  If you were really of the knack to serve an fairy, there were more things that would be expected of you than you can imagine.

    The truth is both fairies and demons can decide to serve either the self or the other.

    And so serving me you could adopt the personality of either one of them.

    Whatsoever to your preference.

    Satisfy me as I was an demon.  Satisfy me as I was an fairy.

    Know both realms of thought; and be able to associate me with it.

    I was that sensitive character that needed both minds of logic.  I had to see myself as something quaint; an evil passing resistance.  And yet also to see myself as unquenchable goodness which would always increase its own goodness.  I had to see myself demon and I had to see myself fairy.  And in order for you to serve me completely you had to know what both logics meant by what they want.  What they desire from you in your complete acceptance of them in your soul.

    And I expected nothing less from you.

    And so the real truth of the Christianna lays in how it is constant in its overseeing of there always eventually being an winner, an resolution of the conflict between oneself and another in one's soul.  And it is this observant adherence to this truth which maybe sets the Christianna apart from other religions.  It specialized in the third or fourth layers of consciousness; the result of an competition of motives within one human person.  Of which we could attribute specifically Christian or Jewish motive if we were being sloppy.  And the Christianna just happened to be that third factor of an resolution between them always repeating so that there would always be another reason to serve either the self or the other.  And this was in fact the path to drawing similarity between Judaism, Christianity, the Christianna, and other World Religions which were in the major category.  In increasing depth of the sense of one's account of the truth.  Truly, Christianity, Judaism, and the Christianna were more primitive religions than perhaps the other deeper Major Religions such as Islam and Buddhism.  And the Christianna, as it were, was merely an gateway onto the other layers of consciousness which had already been considered in other Major World Religions like Hinduism and Aboriginal Spaces.  The secrets of the soul were in this order and we could interpret them.

    And so how I did I want you to serve my demon side; and how did I want you to serve my fairy side—since this time around I had already chosen selfhood as my winner.

    I wanted you to do everything to serve me that I could say for you to do as the demon I was; expecting perhaps some immoral, ridiculous thing.  I needed you to do an dirty deed for me.  To execute something under your control.  Enough to impress me even as my demon self, who was mostly highly critical of others.  And yet I wanted you to do everything to serve me as the fairy I was well; I expected an complete and sophisticated society.  An realization of full culture and civilization with all of the intrigues and sophistications of an fairy society.

    It wasn't an lot; it wasn't too much to ask.

    But I knew; as soon as I had made an decision between them.  That I would eventually return to that conflict between them; starting all over again.  From the first layers of consciousness to everything else layered on top of them.  I would inevitably return to that first layer in which the self and the other are both motives.  And it was fair to call this the cycle of my religious fascination; of how many layers could be layered on top of one another in order to figure some extreme kind of insight about reality.

    After an result between the competition of self and other there were further layers to categorize and describe for their essential wisdom which could or could not be attributed to certain Major Religions.  How far they had actually gone in seeing the cognitive cycle through from its beginning to its end.  And why, if we accepted the self as the winner for the time being, we could move on to the next layer that could be layered on top of it; and then an layer on top of that, and so on and so on.  Everything else depended, you might say, on what we had chosen between serving oneself and serving another.

    And what does it say about serving the self; that it can have something layered on top of it then?

    The sense of selfhood must have the property of being able to be advanced further by positioning something on top of; something in addition to it that would constitute another layer.  What kind of self of things could do that?  What did an self mean if it was capable of it as such?  That maybe the sense of self wasn't something so simplistic and it was in fact so much more complicated than we may have first thought it to be.  If it was only an beginning, merely, onto other layers of awareness, what did that say about its true identity?  What possible characteristic must be an self have then; to think self to have won over other and yet still be able to include another dimension, another layer of consciousness already implied within it.  Of being the consequence and opportunity of being an self altogether at once.

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