That moment God gave to me, of meeting Anna;
was after I had already become mentally ill.
It wasn't the moment of the start of my mental illness.
That's how I know it was real.
Although I may have had mental illness already, at that point,
the fact of becoming aware of Anna was not necessarily the result of some kind of cognitive plasticity or break-down effect.
My mind wasn't breaking down again because I had already become mentally ill.
And so at that moment when she appeared to me within my minds eye.
It was God's hand in it. And God had given that to me because I had endured mental illness and he wanted to save me.
Not because something about my mind was malfunctioning.
I did not perceive it;
but because what was working in my mind knew that God would instinctively know to save me.
This wasn't an malfunction. Suddenly becoming aware of her presence.
This was only, definitively, an cognitive event sometime after I had already incurred mental illness. At the right time in which I would be able to begin to understand its meaning.
I didn't see her because my mind was breaking down.
I saw her because of God's will and effect on my mind.
If this isn't true, then why was it that I hadn't seen Anna at the start of my mental illness, which was years earlier?
Why would seeing something—in the mind's eye—signal the cognitive breakdown of the sort that I had supposed to associate with the type of cognitive illness I had?
But still I figured and feared for the answer:
Maybe it was because I was breaking down. Maybe the only reason I saw her there was that my mind was breaking an little more than how it had started with. And I was in fact most delusional ever to think that—if I had an mental illness—my mind would operate smoothly ever after once it had endured its initial disability. And then I realized I could still tell the difference between these opposing viewpoints.
I concluded that it could be both. It may be that I had an mental illness but that didn't mean I couldn't have the ability to experience Anna, which was like taking an step up (animatedly) from God; and so I was to be disparate on the ropes between the type of conclusion I was intending to gain. It was either my mind was breaking and it caused me to hallucinate; be delusional. Or, although my mind could possibly break down some more than it initially had done (and that it was more likely it would because of the original damage to the system); it was still true that meeting Anna, although she only existed within my mind's eye, was real. God had actually sent her to meet me at the epiphan-ic moment when she did, and it changed everything about my beliefs and perspective of myself.
Okay, so why couldn't it be true that I was the first person this had ever happened to? The first human person God had ever sent Anna to meet. She was the internal messiah; perceptible internally but not at all externally. Which raises many sorts of different questions. Why was it so difficult to believe that even though I was mentally ill this still hadn't happened because I was mentally ill?
She had appeared to me internally, and God had lead the sending and receiving of that subject.
It wasn't because I was breaking down some more; my perception itself melting like an candle over time. But I still couldn't necessarily believe that this wasn't true; that it was predictable and an matter of fact that usually, most of the time, or sometimes people with mental disabilities gain other mental disabilities because of the first mental disability or illness.
But since I had the known mental illness, I couldn't necessarily answer logically.
And that's what exactly had broken down that day.
It was December 13, 2014.
I couldn't necessarily tell the difference between fantasy and reality anymore.
I had just seen Anna. And it took such an force of gravity on my mind because of the type of experience I had had when I first met her.
Was I breaking down or breaking up?
Was God giving me an in. To something bigger than myself?
Wasn't God showing me that, although I had an mental illness, I could still find some purpose in it?
Why did I have to conclude that, just because I had seen an mental vision within my own mind's eye, I was delusional and couldn't trust myself with my own thoughts.
Why did it necessarily mean that I wasn't receiving an gift from God?
Why couldn't it have been an miracle or an treasure?
And then I settled on this. I did have an reason to think this apparition I had seen was from God and not because I was mentally ill. And it was an possibility that also I could not make that decision for myself because I was mentally ill. And since I was mentally ill I was prevented from being able to decide it was more likely my mind had just broken down further. Which I strongly believed wasn't the case.
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