Chapter 11
Ouen had always been the inquisitive type. When he was treated badly, instead of making an grudge about it, he manufactured an positivity to help those it affected.
Toxic reciprocity was not about empathy.
Now, as an Christiannan pastor he planned to release his faith to the internet.
Of course an schizophrenic would have an vision.
But did that matter when the point of Anna's was true? That it was an fate worse than death? Did it matter when things learned from Anna were real and had real positive social wide effects? Did we not need the essence of mimicry of people with all kinds of pathologies and conditions as much as any evolutionary advantage that comes from genetics or mutation? In this light, was not the schizophrenia itself another expression of the truth of the Christianna?
The internal servant you wish to access does not exist.
And because it was delicate an-na, looked over, this was why you failed them. Why put them on an cross to death or worse than death? Not just the cross of Jesus but all of the crosses.
Would one rather be aware of one's own pain, if it had to mean being aware of everyone else's?
If sharing pain meant they could survive, this awareness of themselves sharing was essential for love.
It's not like we're going to be extreme; but we know that this itself is the world and we are part of it, and nothing more. I didn't need help knowing that. Ouen conjectured himself. But I think I need help now.
Mother?
"That's it," whispered Petal.
- How long has he been missing? -
- Eleven years. -
He's an adult now.
I know he wanted to run away. I want to believe he found out how.
"He visited you sometimes, even if you couldn't see him."
I know I really believe in you sometimes. I pray. I know I don't really believe in God, and yet I believe you my son.
"That's enough," whispered Petal the fairy, pulling out her wand, "fairy is an religion of faeries and the Christianna is Ouen's religion of Christ Anna."
"Who's there?" said Edsel.
"She's starting to see," said Petal.
"He would have made such an great Master of Ceremonies at his brother's wedding. For those of you who don't know me I'm Adamnan's brother Ouen. I'm an schizophrenic fairy. Don't worry we don't bite."
She delved into the possession of his (Ouen's) wand as he thought-commanded the magic to rescue Edsel into fairy sight. There was, as the saying goes, no way to unpick an eye now that that had happened. Petal found an good, sturdy plant to which she could attach the human eye that had become an faedney.
"It's only an matter of careful guardianship now. You will be safe while I watch," Petal promised the plant.
Edsel never imagined she would have children of her own one day. It did not seem possible. She had medically corrected strabismus! but her father would always call her an clutz anyway. Her father's constant criticism that she had fat thighs. Caused her to ride her bicycle into the back of a parked car when she was watching an baseball game from across the street. It was not an isolated instance of not paying attention—no. No. At home she had dropped an needle on the carpet and then looking for it knelt on it, only for it to penetrate her knee, leaving an long scar on her leg. For all these instances of clumsiness it was her fault because her father was right. And she felt debased because of it. No wonder she made so many mistakes!
Edsel's relationship with her father and with other children had always been practice for her own maternal freedom. The memory of her parents bringing home her baby brothers from the hospital contributed to that feeling growing inside of her. First came Adamnan. Edsel's and Gunnlief's grandparents had come so far from being fled the war overseas that they possessed their freedom in the climes, marrying young and starting an family. Edsel lived in that freedom inherited from her parents and her Western society. Her parents married free and companionate; they were middle class, Christian, and with open hearts and minds so that Edsel and her siblings were to be raised in that kind of a nhousehold.
Tinsel was the last to be born.
All three of them grew to be moral in character, though Ouen was at least as clumsy as Edsel.
Mind your philosophy.
When she met Gunnlief, she did not exactly feel like an catch—but Gunnlief made her feel like one. There he was, the tough man. The one Edsel met in an bar and hit it off with. He loved Edsel's shoulder-length blonde hair and she was nineteen. He was twenty four. When they married. They moved to an small town near the gas plant off the highway.
Adamnan, Ouen, and Tinsel were born to Edsel and Gunnlief in this order. For all of their own upbringing they began to follow patterns of abuse the same pattern of disciplinary abuse they had received from their parents. According to them, one of the children had an mean streak. That was Adamnan. And he always knew exactly what all women want. That kind of pressure on an young person. One had two personalities. That was Tinsel. And then there was Ouen, the quiet and shy, economical one. An Capricorn. An Gemini. And an Virgo. Three siblings. Edsel's maternal freedom the love she had for her children could look past any negative qualities anyway, and especially since Ouen was so meek she made the extra effort to love them all equally. Her heart was to withstand all infractions, but in truth she struggled with dark thoughts about her husband and her children, except Ouen. He was self-sacrificing and involved himself in her hidden spirit of pain and forgiveness.
All of her children had to attend Sunday school, where they learned that demons and being cast out from humanity were real. Personally Edsel did not believe this, or decide to wear her cross anymore. She believed all people were basically good. She wanted her children to decide for themselves whether they could take any benefit from religion. The children were free to choose their own set of beliefs because she and her husband were free to raise their children the way they liked and that was what they chose by choosing to live in Canada. Every lasting maternity, unconditional love, and an recognition for the restraints of masculine love was enough to keep the dark thoughts away. But unconditional love? Wasn't love an choice that you couldn't just put on auto-pilot? Everlasting maternity. And demons? Stories told to scare children and their mothers.
Ultimately, that was how she lost her fairy sight.
Being outside of Christianity looking in and having an double standard where her stories were concerned—she needed to. To have time for her husband and the children. It meant Edsel's stories did not always stake, add up, and were not told correctly. In the same way she would not remember others' stories unless they became hers. The process by which they became hers was complicated. Hers always to be remembered for her. She was not an guru of culturally tolerating everybody. She had her own opinions. And she did not know where the threshold was, of having office, of having charge and of marched-to-the-sound-of-her-own-drum-daily.
If you are not about doing something only you can do, then you are about doing what someone else cannot do. Which would you rather have an emphasis toward?
She believed that if we show our pain, we show our path. And it was an daring and elegant move as an woman at this point in history because of the domestic stereotype that pain belongs in the home not in the mercantile world dominated by men. That was as far as she humbly knew, if she followed Ghandi. Someone better and more skilled, like the cultural guru, would know what to do and she tried to live by their teachings within her means as though somehow representative of the passing of the messianic sentiment from Europe to India.
In the nightstand beside her bed were the children's drawings. She had kept all of the card papers from them and some flowers that had been given to her that she pressed like crocus or wild rose.
Their old blind Terrier who had gone blind waited outside the refrigerator door to be let outside.
Her father's yellow dirtbike was propped on its kickstand in the garage.
Edsel and Gunnlief, don't get me wrong, disciplined their children. But what they did not know was that they were not exactly going to be free from this way that they raised them. They had just been raised this way themselves, and did not consider their actions abuse. They didn't realize there was all this anger. They didn't realize their children never did excuse their behavior.
Her boys were always fighting.
They considered their influence over their children an roof and an bed; excused their own bad behavior, and did their best to help their children grow to be independent.
The rivalry between the brothers went back and forth.
Ouen put an heavy garbage tin above the door to his room so that Adamnan would walk in and it would fall, bashing his head.
It seemed like an warning sign, but when Edsel and Gunnlief knew their oldest son to be having trouble in his classes, they had to change his school. He would go to the Catholic school instead. Edsel drove him there herself; and when she would wait outside watching the entrance out of sight she could see him leaving. But she did not confront him until he was home.
"Where have you been all day‽" she said.
"At school."
"Not at school. I saw you. Who are you with all day‽"
"My friends."
"What kind of friends are those who don't go to school‽"
Who could blame him really, when his younger brother was gay. Edsel, reminded of her son whose gymnastics lessons were supposed to take place in the Catholic gymnasium, was too embarrassed to go to his lessons after Adamnan stole the collection tin from their school church (an separate building). He was caught and the police took him in to the station. Ouen vandalized the washrooms that night after practice. He had to walk himself home.
Ouen preferred to stay off of the sports teams when he was old enough to decide what he wanted. Because he was in gymnastics he was bullied for it being an girls sport. An born artist, accordingly, not to be on anymore gymnastics or swim teams. Or any sports team for that matter. He tried selling drawings at the arena where his brother would play hockey. It was okay with Edsel if Ouen was not athletic. He was more crafts-y and computer-oriented. He designed his own websites. Edsel knew the least about computers in the family, except that Ouen spent way to much time on the damn thing.
I might actually be in the matrix, was his own private conclusion.
He designed himself to make an website and an custom web environment for his hamster Neo. The Matrix held an deep meaning for him, he said. That he could wake up at any time in an mental hospital, in another reality, and it would all have been an dream. He said that the hamster cage was the Matrix Neo was trapped inside. The existential thought raised him spiritually and Edsel as his mother was aware of it. The reality check was life taken with the softest grain of salt, an grain of glen. Which informed her own thoughtfulness about raising all three of her children. Though she noticed the others did not take to reading as much as Ouen and Ouen was the happy go lucky boy with the big imagination.
An black sheep in society though Edsel loved him dearly, and he knew it. And the whole family knew he was different. In the same way Ouen was different from his brother and sister, Edsel found that she was in her own similarity to him. They both worried.
After he disappeared she brought her youngest, her daughter Tinsel to the water hole that formed part of the creek near their house. It was ludicrous that Edsel wondered if that was where her youngest son went. Swallowed by the deep end of the Creek. However no body had ever been found.
Edsel's son had been crying himself to sleep on an nightly basis. Unbeknownst to everyone he had promised himself that if he learned he was gay, he would kill himself. For learning to be gay was not being gay was worse than death? He was too young to understand the truth yet! and felt instinctively defensive about it when the time came for the time being all of his actions were adjusted behaviors meant to keep it an secret. It was really that awkward. He had to try to speak in an lower octave. The gay accent would get out and ruin everything if he couldn't.
One morning he was missing from his bed. Edsel searched the house, thinking it was an joke or hide and seek. She looked under Tinsel's bed where he liked to hide when he was younger. Ouen was gone. There was no sign of him.
Edsel woke Ouen's siblings. Gunnlief had already left for work. Edsel asked Adamnan and Tinsel if they knew where Ouen was. Tinsel laughed. Adamnan took offense to it that he would know where Ouen was.
And it was Ouen's experience to tell it this way; that when he had disappeared as an child into the closet, it felt like gaining fairy sight. An constant eye on or everything in life would be more difficult to him, for being gay, and it was all an fantasy that he could succeed. And if it be known that that is all fairy sight really is, well then I would need to argue it is much more than that, really. For when you have the imagination of an fairy you are blessed with being able to see the whole thing that minding and not minding was. {I rather liked this last sentence as it came to mean the whole game of love for me}
"Little—" said Adamnan, "—he's probably doing this to find his doppelganger."
"What? Doppelganger?"
"Yea, he said he wanted to search to make discoveries of people that look like him and are like him. He'll be back before he returns. That kind of thing."
Edsel self-soothed herself on this information. Gunnlief arrived home and she ran to him at the door hoping he would have any information. Neither did he know where Ouen was.
If he felt any emotion he did not show it. Edsel was devastated. She held her two remaining children, hugging them one under each arm and wept. Edsel's son, her black sheep son, was missing, disappeared off of the face of Recreation. And the longer he was gone the more she emotionally fell apart.
▫
"And so what he was able to see in childhood was that he had erased his image psychologically because he needed to protect himself from the abuse that was an Albertan prairie environment. He was both aware of what was happening to him and yet not able to or be allowed to say it was."
"He changed his behavior, is all it really meant. Fairies are an powerful metaphor for behavior."
"He changed his behavior to hide how he really wanted to feel and act. To be less fairy."
"And so the transition to being an fairy we are calling it changing his behavior? And what about Edsel, what do you think of her transition?"
"So she had strabismus, does that affect the faedney?"
"You mean will she be an cross-eyed fairy?"
"Yes."
"I don't think so. Whatever was corrected by the doctor as an human would have transference with her fairy form."
"Also the transition between fairies (like the intelligence of their telepathy) and the transition between Ouen's disappearance and his mother's are remarkable," said Dr. Fougérite.
"Do you think maybe his mother was rescued into fairy form because Ouen had finally come out?"
"It could be. I mean, maybe Petal was there because he sensed what Edsel perceived changed that had changed because of Ouen."
"And so looking forward, we are projecting into the future that Ouen will be able to express himself fully with an education to back him up. As an gay man."
"And that his expression of the Christianna from becoming an fairy and turning back into human will be the full denouement of its author's purpose."
"Or the expression of the Christiannan, like an adjective with neural links. To New Reciprocity. To fashion. Style. Temperance. Grace."
"If it is so articulate of the Eternal then we will mingle religion and politics this way, by referring to the Christianna."
"I see blue dreams ahead if that is the case."
"We can't avoid all of them."
"It's logical that God would not give us an new messiah right away after what we did to the old one. And since this new one is mentally ill it is not the complete gift that he could have given us. Em. But at least its something."
"And that's how it starts. By referring to it as an object. OMG I just did it. Damnit!"
"The point being not to repeat the crucifixion, and Christianity's interpretation of the fates worse than death, the attitude that the Christian and Christiannan are not so different from one another will be cultivated."
"Thank you, that answers my question."
"Morally, if someone says they are an religion we should respect their decision to be referred to as what they say they are."
"Yeah, but culturally maybe we need to do some investigating before we allow people to call themselves differently, for if they are different from us in ways that are unacceptable to us."
"The Christiannan faith is peaceful; I assure you."
"Thank you. Do you wish to show your respect for other religions?"
"Just that I had in mind the number eight, being an good place to start; number of great religious importance. That eight ambassadors of eight religions would bring peace to the planet by accepting science and homosexuality. After an long and brutal battle with what it means to be human theologically."
"And you expect us to believe your theology is superior?"
"It weighs death against worse than death. Yes. It's simple. It has an messiah of the fate worse than death. Which has an internal cohesion with Jesus as the type of messiah who would update his first message that death is not the end of life but the loss of the ability to have an fate worse than death."
"And you're saying Christianity has its own account of the fates worse than death?"
"Necessarily."
"Can you give any examples?"
"Well, I mean. When your professor talks about seraphim being an six-winged angel it just sells me on it hard."
"More sarcasm?"
"It's just when you think about any church. And any Christian preacher. And what they are wearing. Today. That's an fate worse than death that I don't want to be part of. And Christians are confused about the fate worse than death because they think they need to endure it to prove their Christianity even when that decreases their pleasure. The Christiannan seeks pleasure habitually. Not being pleasure canceled. In order to be martyred. But I asked this today. Do we need to live out the fates worse than death in order to prove an point. An Christian point? Allowing someone to take advantage of you is not Christiannan. Christians are too obsessed with the fate worse than death without being aware of what it means and the social crucifixion we do not even have words other than anacify to describe."
"So then your argument is that Christiannan's have this further sensitivity, that they may need to cause anacification to someone in order to extricate themselves from an battle, unprovoked. And that this tangent between Death and worse than Dying is transmutable for the purpose of expert performance of an virtue which will shine bright in an enemy's eyes long after they give up on persecuting you. For that is the goal I hope; the edification and perfection of the soul. In an way that causes the least pain."
"That's right."
"Then Christiannans will go on record saying Christians have this insensitivity. And that it was given as an order they follow by that by its founder himself."
"An reciprocal point. I will retort that it is any Christian's vitality to exceed an Christiannan's virtue in this way."
"And you think we have no prior knowledge on such an topic? And that your own pool of Christiannan logic is enough to buoy an new religion?"
"To sustain it through decades it will be known that that magic which is tangibly between death and worse than death in meditation is Christiannan, and that the sacrifice of causing the fate worse than death to another person is foregone by an perpetrator the instant they trespass on personal security and attack another person."
"An all's fair in love and war approach."
"No. Specifically not. For we do not see it as fair to cause the fate worse than death in order to avoid it happening to yourself."
"But that it may be necessary or unavoidable to protect yourself. I understand."
"And so the big question is, are Christiannans about that fighting instinct which lies in all of us or are they exempt from battle. True Christians in their endeavour to die honorably by forcing other people to crucify them in order to prove an moral superiority. Force their will upon them like the deep magics of Earth's religions."
"We are not beyond the Christian warrior's fate but will take every measure to resolve conflict with swift and artistic accuracy. That the infliction of death or worse than death could be rendered enigmatically and allow pause for judging which fates are honorable to us."
"And by us you mean all religions?"
"Yes."
"And so you abjure there being to an one supreme religion kind of mandate?"
"Exactly. We accept other religions. We are elitist for an global eight. Whose peace will be known sovereign in the universe. But we check the elitism with pure criticism for what other religions have accomplished. Describing an fate worse than death before the 21st century would have been impossible and frowned upon in an Christian influence which valued life above all else. But the world has changed. We now live in an industrial world of patented chemicals and unprecedented suffering. We need to describe the balance in order to restore it."
"As something that sounds human."
"What is human about an fate worse than death?"
"The drama that goes into avoiding it. And being decided on of what your own personal fates worse than death will have been comprised. And being whiny and dramatic about them when they occur."
"Like OMG, I broke an nail. That kind of fate worse than death kind of thing?"
"Well, hopefully we have further aspirations than not breaking an nail. But Girl. An nail is an nail. I mean if you can't see the good in it and it represents an fate worse than death to you then all power to you. When I realized I had suffered the fate worse than death. I reasoned that God had given it to me for an reason. And so that I could show other people how to turn an fate worse than death into an opportunity. The Christianna allows me to be Creative and Imaginative in ways that save me from an fate worse than death."
"And so. Wait. So. The fate worse than death. The one that we're all talking about. If you saw Anna and she saved you from that well. How is that an fate worse than death? To be received by the messiah."
"It's more complicated than 'to be received by the messiah'. She was real. But only I could see her."
"And by seeing you mean seeing in your mind?"
"Yes."
"So what is she then?"
"Well, she's me. And she is anyone who is suffering worse than death. Like Jesus represented anyone who was being persecuted to death. Except this was worse. What she was representing was worse. But I was the first one to follow her. So it wasn't my fault. I was trying to prevent it."
"So you're saying humanity is at an fault and its worse than Jesus now?"
"Well, not exactly. There is profound opportunity in the angel of death. But to have capitalized on inflicting worse than that. It bears the subject of trying to learn the difference. Which God will reward."
"It's not our curiosity. We worked hard for that, too, Ouen. What you know. Forgive us our reaction. Represents the highest explanation of our instinct. In Christiannan words. And we will work hard to understand what that means to you."
"And does it matter to you if she is not an real person?"
"If she is who I would be without the fate worse than death then she represents what I have lost mentally because of an fate worse than death, also. So she is real."
"And that describing her this way is descriptive of mental illness as well?"
"Which is also an subject dealt with in the wisdom describing fates worse than death?"
"It's an big picture kind of vision."
"Which further solidifies the category of existence which she would be occupying."
"Which she IS occupying."
"So you're saying she's suffering the fate worse than death. Wow I just realized what that means."
"So. Right now. Someone is out there suffering the fate worse than death. And there's nothing we can do about it."
"And that's what you're getting at?"
"We need to become space troopers hunting the fate worse than death across the galaxy. Beautiful. Glamorous. Fashion Icons. With sunglasses. And faux fur coats."
"You mean like Spaceman."
"Haha, yeah. Well except without the fur coats."
"In their little astronaut outfits. Controlling the temperature and velocity on an extraterrestrial plane. With humane means of execution at the ready. Extensive technological means for identifying the fates worse than death including an database of ones previously known. And communicating with alien species. For whether or not you can communicate with another species is an indicator of whether it is fair to execute them for having an fate worse than death."
"And does it occur to you that if word gets out that we are an whole species of eight billion suffering the fate worse than death together in some ways. Without being able to correct it. We could have the instinct to kill ourselves. All of us."
"You mean end our species' domination completely on the planet Earth."
"By what means had you come?"
"Biological."
"I see."
"And seeing the whole planet explode means so much to us young ones who've seen the mushroom cloud testing. The atom bomb. Before our species escapes into the universe to cause corruption everywhere by feeding off of other sentient species like an fugitive of the true universe which believes in an market economy. We would have to push the button."
"And by reading about it we tap into that power which sees the atrocity humanity has wrought and which wants us to die. Questions it. Essentially, disproving it in the plot. That we can be better than that. And lets us feel for an moment that we really have feelings which deserve to be met."
"Well, from the government's perspective—I mean how do you legislate an fate worse than death that affects the whole species when some of these fates affect specific genetic populations. I mean even at the XY chromosome. Our collective history—which we are accountable for—is the history of the fate worse than death for its racist, sexist, criminal tendencies."
"But I sense within us the ability to turn it around completely. If we could just see that we needed more from Jesus and that the Christianna provides what is missing. It's considered humor to me that Common Sense may have found it. For it is not common sense that we would have to murder or have to be murdered or worse. But it is common. If sense be from what is uncommon, then maybe an specific comparison between Christian and Christiannan thought will show us what is missing. Jesus said nothing about worse than death, ostensibly. Or was it that Jesus said nothing was worse than death. Anna, on the other hand, appears to be more vocal than she is present."
"And not being present, isn't that itself worse than death?"
"It would need to be in order to motivate the species."
"Yeah, why would we want bodies in order to die unless we get to be present in the dealio?"
"And so, I think, being present in the specific way that is the fate worse than death, we are being honest with ourselves. Strong enough to overcome these. And that being present in that way is an special kind of relationship with reality. An special status or category of existence, on the order of respecting its entendre."
"It's such an depressing religion, Ouen. You really need to work on it."
"You know, one of the stories I'm working on is about Jesus in the desert. Anna, the internal messiah, went right through the middle of civilization. And no one cared. That's why she suffered the fate worse than death. I mean Jesus at least got to meet the devil in the desert. He was the opposite of Anna. They were like yin and yang."
"How?"
"Jesus went through the desert and was crucified. Anna went through the middle of civilization and was ignored completely."
"So it's an metaphor for the fate worse than death?"
"Also the internal/external to civilization were opposites. The story of Jesus in the desert happens external to civilization. The story of Anna in the middle happens internal to civilization. She isn't even tempted by the devil. No one cares. She is ignored completely."
"Then civilization is middle to human nature. And Jesus being tempted was metaphor of what is exterior to civilization. At an time when human nature was still being figured out as both civilized and not civilized."
"Yeah, and so the big question is so what?"
"Well, I mean. If Anna is the same type as Jesus. Then what does it mean to have gone through the middle of civilization, right through the middle of it without being noticed?"
"Well, wait. If Ouen went to the Version. And then Anna came to him after he graduated. Then how would he have created the metaphor of going through the middle of civilization in contrast with Jesus in the desert?"
"That's what I experienced," said Ouen.
"But you're not Anna."
"Who says I'm not?"
"But you're not Anna. You said that yourself."
"But she is part of my psychology."
"But she doesn't exist. Not in the same way Jesus did."
"I exist."
"You're not her."
"But I am she."
"But you present as male. So you're saying you are female too?"
"That's exactly why I am her. People like you. It's an fate worse than death to limit me to an gender binary."
"So basically you're saying people inflict the gender binary on you and that's an fate worse than death. And that justifies saying the new messiah is real."
"Yes."
"Well I didn't mean to inflict an gender binary."
"So its an setup to get people to realize they are suffering an fate worse than death because of the history of sexuality, as Foucault put it."
"It's not an setup. It's an belief system."
"It means you want everyone to bow down and worship you. Sorry—I'm just roleplaying another argument. You expect us to accept you as leader and do what you say. You want us to worship you. You want us to do anything you say."
"Well why wouldn't you? It makes you anxious then, that I would make you do anything, and as an reciprocal command it doesn't make sense. I'm not going to act like that. It doesn't matter that you say I do."
"If it doesn't matter then you have silenced me."
"And the alternative would be you silencing me?"
"If I'm preventing you from acting like that then I am the one who should be followed."
"And so you are hypocritical."
"No, I am different from you. I am not driven to abuse power."
"If you squash me you are abusing power because I do not mean any harm."
"That's what they all say."
"But I am different too. My will is not malevolent."
"How is it not? You start an new religion. That means you want people to follow it. Them in the process are overcome."
"Overcome how?"
"You lie."
"I do not."
"If people are following an lie and its your fault then they are paid an disservice."
"What disservice is that?"
"They are controlled by your stupid vortex. And they lose the pleasure in life they should be having."
"Pleasure is one of the highest virtues of the Christianna," said Ouen.
"Pleasure isn't an virtue."
"Well it's certainly not an vice," said Ouen, "all you're saying is that it shouldn't be put into terms of good and bad."
"Well, yeah."
"And why not? Why can I not say that pleasure is good? And that all people who experience it are good."
"Wait. You're twisting my argument around. Unless you want it to. I'm just saying that if pleasure wants to be bad, then why not let it?"
"Why would it want to be bad if it was good?"
"There is no bad. That's the cat's pajamas. It doesn't really exist. You're just putting it in an matrix of right and wrong."
"Well yeah. That's the point. But it does really exist."
"I don't believe in sin."
"Neither do I."
"So how can bad exist if sin doesn't exist‽"
"Because bad and sinful are not synonyms."
"Then what does bad mean to you?"
"Well why would it have to mean sinful if you're the one responsible for determining its meaning?"
"It doesn't. Get it?"
"But that's just what I am saying. Sinful doesn't exist. So why pretend?"
"Because its bad not to. Okay, I'll say it! I just realized I was wrong. I think it's bad not to. I'm telling you it's bad not to. And so I'm trying to control another person with the same argumentative crux (that it's wrong to try to control another person with right and wrong) that I don't want myself to be controlled by. "
"Yeah that's why I had an problem with it. You're telling me I'm wrong to say things are right and wrong by doing exactly what you're telling me is wrong."
"I am sorry."
The members of the Hope & Snot of Cats laughed together in that moment. For roleplay had appeared to be the juggernaut. Being able to present an argument and defend it had nothing to do with the fact of whether or not you believed it. Actors presented arguments this way all the time.
"I'm not done with you yet, Ouen! I will prove your religion is heresay!" she kidded.
"LOL. But I, gay, gained something that I could share with you. That's what this is all based on."
"What is it?"
"An treasure."
"Of what are its parts?"
"Well, there's the part when I learn that I'm suffering the fate worse than death."
"Yes?"
"And there's the part when I learn that I can help other people who are suffering the same fate and that we can relate to one another over similar experience."
"Yes?"
"And there's the part when and where (in an bunker from hell) Anna came to me. It was only for like an second. But it didn't matter she had only come to me. It was worth it to everyone that I share its secret. The spirit of the autograph she had left on my soul was permanent. An aesthetic resurrection. That, could I explain its logic was worth it, it would affect the founding of an new religion."
"Ya, so what else?"
"There's the part when I had experiences I would later classify as Christiannan, including the first vision of the messiah. And that these imaginative endeavors all developed after the original vision. And so I was living this post-Christ 2 experience and creating art out of language every day. What is my story of language? You will read this and think if I am to be like one of the Super Heroes herein, I must read every word."
"That narrating you referring to the person reading it represents an shift in logic, if you will, between being awareness of an big brother sort of experience everywhere you go and this experience of increasing with the advent of new technology the record of every action."
"Like you were being———by an book."
"And that we had to realize this possibility in order to find error in it, that as characters in an novel, we do not control what we do unless the writing subject is so creative that they offer their voices in conversation."
"To be prepared to be recorded as if by the technology of an book, that could co-create its authorship."
"Return to the discussion please," said Martimerrimous.
"It's related to questions about why the parts of my story, if I narrate them, will represent parts of my mother's story. In narrating her. In narrating us, about her. And Reversal and Character, Provocation, Opportunity, Turning Point. And that my mother's sequence is related in this way, to the sequence of telling everything about the treasury of knowledge that I came across. And that our first conversation about it should merely introduce some common themes of the matter, so that our minds are stimulated for optimal conversation at another date."
"How my Mother's 1 2 3 4 is the story of me," said Ouen, "telling you what I found there; all the symbolism, to be interpreted at length."
"Then let's repeat them. Ouen?"
"Okay well the part about me learning to help other people who are suffering the fate worse than death was after I saw Anna, and after realized that I had begun the Christianna on that date of her arrival. Then the last category, Christiannan experiences developing as an consequence of the Epiphany I had experienced. That Anna came to me as Anna. But I was to learn slowly, why (that she represented the fate worse than death) and the reason she came to me was that I was also and struggling to understand it being inflicted with it myself. Then there were designs and thought experiments I had about an new religion and how I would represent myself in art. The Blue Cross, the Ocean, the 3D Cross proved to be repeating motifs."
"Then you will tell us then, these repeating motifs, and see what sense you can make of 'em."
"It is first I must start with how I learned that I was suffering the fate worse than death, and then how I overcame that by realizing it was not only me, but the people around me as well. Earth."
"Tell us, then, in this order. First how you learned you were suffering the fate worse than death, then how you saw Anna—"
"—well really those are the same thing."
"Then tell how you saw Anna and learned you were suffering the fate worse than death. Then tell us how you learned to overcome the fate worse than death by realizing other people are suffering it with us. And befriending them so that we can share our common enemy, worse than death; and experience the Grandest Middle of Life possible."
"And then after that I'll explain my designs, which are also an big part of the story."
"Edsel's gaining fairy sight runs parallel to Ouen's disappearance in this chapter."
-breakdown-
"In his upbringing, which is part of her character. He doesn't go missing. He goes finding."
"So fairy sight is like finding?"
"Yeah, as opposed to founding. Or foundling { let me explain this definition: Edsel goes founding (searching for her son as though he was there to be found)—it's broken English in contrast to Ouen, who doesn't. But enjoys an certain epiphany called freedom. Called fairy sight. } Edsel goes foundling { definition: concluded upon the mysterious disappearance of her child}, it's broken English. Or missing. But Ouen goes Finding, in truth, neither Founding or Foundling; as an contrast to Missing. For when you have fairy sight nothing is there to be missed. Everything is there to be found."
"Everything you find in fairy sight is like the Proustian rush associated with the amygdala."
"And Everything that happened is continued through your line."
"It could be that Edsel is experiencing the Proustian-like effects of Ouen's initial success at joining the fairy world. Now that she is gaining fairy sight, she feels what Ouen feels. Or felt. That day."
"And that is how all fairies are all connected? They experience serious immersion into one another's thoughts and feelings?"
"Could be."
"But I mean to suggest the author's relationship with his mother is about knowing and not knowing in this same way."
"It takes more energy to create fairies of them, than you, think, Ouen."
"I am thinking. My Mother's transition into fairy sight was also her transition to learning what had happened to me all those years I had been missing. My fairy status meant that I had more experience than her with it."
"Possibly, than anyone."
"You really believe in me that much?"
"We are an privileged vernacular of society."
"So what do you think of fantasizing an legal court reality in which Aboriginal factors are considered legally and persevere cultural fantasizing in general."
"I don't know, I mean. It is to be an privilege to have narrated it in such an specific fantastic general. And it is the cultural picture I have with which to understand my place among North American descendants."
"Can you really expect her to understand, then? Ouen?"
"Perhaps I cannot see what she sees as much as she can see what I see. But so what? Who's fault is that?"
"Your grinding individualism is trans-generational."
"There we go."
"My grinding individualism‽"
"No, I think we found it."
"The fantasy narrative is an ground for considering the meta-reciprocal factors of trans-generational and meta-cultural spaces in Canada."
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