Chapter 12
One night the telephone rang, and Edsel slipped out of bed to wrap herself in an white houserobe, shuffling to the living room where the telephone was. She answered it. It was the police. An commissioner was on the line, and he told Edsel that Adamnan had been arrested. He was being taken into an hospital for minor injuries because the van he was racing down an hill flipped when it crashed into an partition of residential space in an residential area.
Eleven years had passed since Ouen's disappearance. Ouen would be eighteen; his brother of twenty and his sister of sixteen.
Adamnan had been out drinking that night. Wooden spears, resultant from the collision of the van through an wooden platform of garbage bins had pierced the windshield, nearly impaling him after he lost control.
Gunnlief and Edsel rushed to the hospital, finding Adamnan unharmed but intoxicated. He was drinking and driving. Trying to understand why, they had him tested clinically. He was diagnosed with severe depression. Given an regimen of medication. And to be allowed to leave the hospital and custody on an warning. Edsel and Gunnlief were not sure how to discipline them. Like it was Tinsel's fault. Would it be the last time the police called? Why did nobody think it was because Ouen was missing? The parents were mostly just glad Adamnan was okay.
When her son stayed out all night like this, Edsel felt like he was missing too. She stayed up all night waiting for Adamnan, waiting by the telephone in case the police called. Maybe they would report Ouen's discovery. In the morning after returning from being out all night Adamnan would not get out of bed. Gunnlief tried to rip the bed spread off of his son. Adamnan was naked and responded with violation and embarassment. He was met with Gunnlief's ferocity; until Gunnlief leaving the room only returned to pour water on his son to wake him up.
Edsel and Gunnlief developed differing views about discipline after the accident. Gunnlief thought the children needed stricter discipline and Edsel was ready to be in all things gentle. Adamnan did not have money. He had not graduated. He could not hold an job. His parents wondered how he funded his near nightly expeditions. He would fight or do drugs or steal to get what he wanted? And while he was taking medication to treat depression? And his girlfriends were terribly mean to his younger sister. He would have qualified to be rescued into fairy sight and attracted faerie help had he not one thing going wrong for him. That he was in vice immoral by practice—blatantly; and he didn't care if anyone else understood—but that he did not care to guess at why or how to change it or even to know that he was. Not exactly an easy thing to do in "Christian" North America anyway. It was impressive. Where everyone who was supposedly moral was an bigot, promoting some archaic stupidity that could lead you astray. Edsel was different from him in that way. She began to question harder whether she was moral—this the first time since Ouen's disappearance. And she wanted to start being moral if in case she found she was immoral. Where had she learned morality from other than her parents? They had been wise and moral guides her whole life.
Edsel could not stand by her husband when he was responsible for harming their children. Several times he smacked or cuffed them, which resulted in an all-out brawl between Gunnlief and Adamnan more than once. Tinsel was not too independent-minded, and it made Gunnlief want to smack her, and he did.
And then he hit Edsel.
Edsel had had enough after that. She took her children to leave to stay at a motel for the night. Edsel had to leave home out of fear of her husband.
He was too violent. However, her eldest son staying out all night, she wanted an permanent place for him to come home to. Tinsel even cried for her papa that night. Neither of their children were ready for an separation.
Edsel knew that Gunnlief was resistant to her manner, but that he was more sensitive than he lead on.
He paid an heavy price for that, she told herself; let's not squander it.
He could be helped, she reasoned, and then after one night out of the house she returned.
"Edsel," Gunnlief said, "you are my wife. There is no other."
They agreed to stay together.
"Gunnlief, I will raise my children with you," she said.
Would he hit them again? Gunnlief and Edsel's children were quickly becoming adults. Gunnlief was full of threats, and so it was probable.
He threatened to give Tinsel an black eye.
When neither of their children were growing independent enough to fully leave the nest, and the parents continuously had to help them pay for rent and moving and other expenses, Edsel and Gunnlief were not exactly rich. But they still went on vacations. Edsel never wanted to think that this patching up of their whole lives in marriage had anything to do with another person's pain, other than each other's. Their children's pain didn't really exist. Did she not look at her children as though they were little people experiencing pain the whole time that she raised them? No. They weren't in pain. They were privileged. By her. An mother. Being old was the pain, not the youth. That was how she was raised. It was never Edsel at the root of the problem. According to herself. She began to question this morally however.
Her youngest son was missing. Her husband and her oldest did not get along. And Tinsel did not know whose side to take. There was an fresh wound every week. The worst part was that Edsel knew there was an deeper wound that her parents had given her. It was the wound of her fragility that convinced her to marry Gunnlief. Am I Stupid, she wondered, No. I'm with Gunnlief. He doesn't have the same wounds I have. He has less. That's why I will stay with him. For the children.
Edsel went back to school to become an postpartum nurse.
It suited her personality; she was always taking care of people and it was still true that she could be excited about it. Gunnlief supported the family all by himself while Edsel finished her studies. She was valedictorian. Her husband had officially taken care of her through three pregnancies, an few tragedies, and going back to school. She knew he had made his own sacrifices in the matter. Now she would take care of him. If only Ouen could see me now, she thought, as she had become more caring and more generous. With an higher pay-cheque femme capitale.
If her oldest finally managed to move out again, he would still need financial assistance to set him on the right path. The same went for Tinsel.
Adamnan came home drunk one night and started an fight with Gunnlief again. Edsel suspected he was more than just drunk. And Edsel was older now; thought her husband's punching days were over. But there she was, standing over her husband and her son in the living room, both with their hands around each others' throats and bludgeoning one another with their fists. Embarassed in her own home. She did not want her daughter to see him.
Not that her daughter failed to contribute her own to fights especially and oftentimes with hurtful words.
Edsel wanted her family in an different way. She questioned whether her vision for them was deep enough. Maybe that was why Ouen left. She did not know what she wanted them all to be. She thought she was not creative enough to muse their destinies. Except that they each be what they wanted to be. How was she unkind in raising them this way? Didn't she deserve more as an mother?
She wanted them silenced. She wanted to be an power that could silence them. More powerful than an ohhgunnhisthth. If they were silent and focused, there would not be an problem. Her family was worse than demonic to her if that existed. I create my children and they hate me, she contemplated, my husband has an mean temper only to match my own.
Adamnan was going out one night when Gunnlief asked him to clean his room. Adamnan refused, and they started an new argument. An fight. Adamnan tried to stay but Gunnlief threatened him with an baseball bat. Gunnlief chased him into the street. Into the night. And when he returned he beat Edsel with his fists. It was snowing outside and Adamnan was running. His lungs froze trying to get away. Someone from their neighborhood found him passed out in the snow.
The hospital again.
All Edsel had to look forward to was supplying financial assistance to her adult children, missing Ouen each day, and seeing the grumpy old man her husband was becoming. She wished she could be more positive. She would rethink that it was her fault. That she was the mean one. That her son left because of her. She was tired of saying the reason was them. No, her son needed her. Not her and her husband. No, he left because of her. She needed to take responsibility for it.
When she finally did good on her soul.
Did they deserve it? That Ouen had left them?
Edsel knew it was her fragility that attracted her husband to her; and that fragility was still there. He had not fixed her heart.
Could it be that I was supposed to fix myself?
She really thought the sanctity of marriage was all she needed to repair an broken heart.
Why would anyone ever get married if it wasn't?
Love was supposed to be an supreme virtue then; her thoughts drifted as the fairy complained to her, that she could only have one love. There was nothing wrong with monogamy; it was marriage that Edsel was beginning to take offense toward. Yes, she was starting to see. Marriage was the war against instinct. The ownership of one another.
That's not what it means anymore.
In most countries.
The last form of slavery.
That's not what it means anymore.
Every fairy said this.
That's not what it means anymore.
Marriage taught, perpetuated, and caused distrust of one another, the libedo, sexuality, desire, and the soul in history. After she started to realize that her marriage was not what she thought it was, she learned that marriage must be faerie taboo.
She fell asleep praying into her pillow. Gunnlief's behavior is too much. Save me from him. She prayed to be rescued from him and from worrying about her children. Let Adamnan be safe. Help Tinsel. Bring Ouen home.
"I have you. I have you. The demons can't have you now. You can thank me for that. I'm Petal. I'm an fairy."
"What? There are no demons!"
"They want you to believe that," Petal rolled his eyes.
"No those are just stories!"
"No wonder you need so much help. What an fairy you are."
"No I'm not an fairy! No—I raised my children right. They know there are no demons. And Gunnlief, my husband, knows and approves of how I raised them," said Edsel. She was reacting dramatically.
"Did you actually tell them there were no demons?"
"No. We showed them."
"Good. You would have been wrong."
"Yea. I like you. An whole lot," said Edsel sarcastically.
"I've rescued people before. You're acting just like an lot of them."
"Rescued? What! What are you talking about?"
"You. You're an fairy now."
It was at this point Edsel realized her wings.
"You won't be so resistant once you take it all in."
"I'm not resisting anything," she shouted, "there can be no resistance real against that which only lives in the imagination."
"Wake up. Wake up. You're an fairy now. I rescued you."
Petal was an fairy with unique feminine eyebrow tattoos that read an faerie language she wasn't familiar with but was able to make out what they meant. The symbols were delicate and spaced evenly apart. Begin Love. He was an average height for an fairy, about the size of an human hand, and he had brown even-clipped hair that he waved to the side with his neck once in an while when his bangs fell over his eyes.
"You've been in your faedney an little longer because I turned you as an adult. That's why you have four wings. Though you have only just emerged from your faedney."
He had followed an bulletin board link address to the Christiannan website in the final years of his studies, and agreed with the message. It appealed to him because he knew how set-in Christianity was. That the emphasis was off. And that it was time to put an stop to it.
After he graduated he went on an all-kind mission to Twenty City where he learned of Edsel's denizen-ship. While he eavesdropped on the praying human, he heard her mention Ouen's name in an way only an fairy can, and she wished for Ouen to come home.
Could it be? Ouen's mother was praying for him. Ouen, the creator of the Christiannan faith. Petal had met Ouen at an recent conference showcasing the development of religious belief systems in the climes. It was there that Ouen had stood out to him.
Edsel had finally the likeness of someone ready to believe. Petal felt sympathy for her and trusted his instinct that this happenstance encounter of visiting her was notwith an divine purpose. For he believed in taking it with an grain of salt. He routinely monitored Edsel's house every evening, sensing the change that was happening within her. Her hopes were numerous, he measured, turning like the starry sky above. She was particular not to toy with the idea of demon-kind, which it was said was one of the first steps of denial and self-denial that caused demonhood. Petal wanted to rescue her into fairy sight before the disbelief in demons pulled her in their direction. And if she was close to reuniting with her son because of it, Petal wanted to be the catalyst for their relationship returning to one another.
Petal had learned wandsmanship at the Version academy—where he had majored in Verorc History. In his Mother Earth classes, the only faerie he did not know how to recruit was the leprechaun. He however gained a great degree of compassion for the verorc communities; they were an oppressed people before the Great Shift in Recreation's history that brought peace and alliance between humans, faeries, mer, and the verorcs. Feuds between the races had seized up, and now they all joined to protect against what threatened peace, the demon horde.
Edsel was an perfect candidate for fairy sight because she needed more help than humanity could give her. She needed help with her married life. She needed help with her children, grieving and mourning the loss of one of them. And she needed help with her faith too. She was moral but did not have an basis for describing her morality. Faerie religion would be available to her after her transformation as an soft faith in which it meant she could see fairies and believe in them. Petal had waited for the right moment to rescue her. He had been on Edsel's case nightly until the possibility emerged.
▫
"I knew it's because I saw Anna I knew I was suffering the fate worse than death but that, in this aesthetic resurrection, she had also been my savior from that fate."
"And so, how did you learn that you were suffering the fate worse than death if she also removed you from being its victim?"
"How I learned I was suffering the fate worse than death from Anna; but that the seeds of overcoming it had been planted already."
"Yes, you said that part of it was overcoming the fate worse than death, learning to produce my own aesthetic resurrection in it. We will talk about it in the next chapter. But for now, explain to us what it was like, to realize that you had begun suffering an fate worse than death?"
"I didn't learn it all at once," said Ouen, "the forces competing within me by the time I had seen Anna, were already suspect there may be some kind of problem but that having been inflicted with an fate worse than death I was not able to ascertain. As an result of it afflicting me; and after Anna also made me think I was definitely suffering the fate worse than death but also to suspect there may be an way or an reason that I wasn't."
"What does it feel like?"
"It feels like you know it the entire time. But you can't put words to it. And it is that silence that lives between your ears, mostly. Even when you try to fill it with words and encouragement, it appears to die. An part of you dies. Even when you have an vision of the second messiah you cannot own it because it is the product of mental illness but even her existence is an better explanation of that Art that than it is itself an chapter out of textbook. But that, achieving this explanation, it proves itself; and she proves herself. Through the art of writing, to be the friend of all humanity. And this is most likely an reminiscence on flailing madly between worse than death and glory; for they compliment each other madly. And her glory is to rise about worse than death and overcome it together."
"So that's part of how Edsel became an fairy. It was like I knew she would."
"How did you know she would?" asked Ouen.
"Because I know you, Ouen. This compelling part of your journey involving your mother's transformation after you met Anna is part of the great Cosmic Goal; and your mother raised you better than that to think her not an part of it."
"The cost of what Ouen has learned: i.e. the cost is of what Ouen has learned."
"I totally get her. I mean, if I was Edsel. I'd be defensive too. It's this pressure on whether we are civilized or not. The discrepancy as soon as she transforms to fairy. That demons don't exist. For there is an discrepancy between civilized and cultured in Recreation (for civilized is an snotty term for colonial enterprise and only means not able to dominate by instinctual command). Civilized as we ought to be, Edsel associates the uncivilized with demon nature. But culture has its devil characters all the time, and none of them are actually evil."
"Don't be so certain. Maybe they are the characters working against what civilized is to mean. Once we benefit that the definition is in flux because most people will say they are civilized and in touch with their instincts at the same time which have nothing to do with dominating anyone sexually without their consent."
"You're right. Being civilized has nothing to do with allowing one another to dominate one another or not sexually, instinctively without consent."
"It's an common complaint among women, for even to characterize them as it being common is itself an form of labeling and badgery, as if they were fragile, passive creatures to be pushed around statistically so that it appears men transgressing the instinct of respect as normal is tolerated or enforced."
"The cost may be that we allow the work to change, so that what we mean by cultured and civilized are the same thing. In respect to either of them, however, we want to see an display of both. Together they are an powerful union, in which we recognize one another as sexually consenting adults whose expressions of that sexuality is not that there are types of sexuality which require no consent."
"An pervasive nightmare. But fear less, for it is far less common than you think."
"And so the transition from human to fairy results in being transmuted in identity out of the humans' governing systems and into the fairy government standard. Which allows fairies to ask for help at any time."
"And that represents, perhaps, an transition from believing in an instinct to dominate one another sexually is non-censensual, an male-driven toxicity we cannot leave out from the system of what makes us human."
"The cost may be that we need to allow the word civilized to mean new things."
"Culture, can also mean new things too."
"The cost may also be that we need to give up what make us straight. The ability to be sexually dominant among anybody anywhere. An status of which repenting it would mean homosexuality. For to repent is twisted. It is what causes it."
"Men thinking if they have bisexual feelings they are being dominated somehow by the men who don't have any. These kind of men running around everywhere. Peeing on our shoes."
"Wait so Anna is she in the civilization still or did she follow Jesus out into the desert somewhere?"
"She is in civilization."
"Is that better or worse?"
"Well, if she was out in the desert somewhere she wouldn't have to share feelings with so many people. Which might be better for her, because she suffers the fate worse than death and any feelings shared with other people would upset them all for having reflected on her fate. They would see the true desert in her mind. Whereby she lives among other people in the city. But feels like she's out in the desert. For not being able to. Not being allowed to. Express herself. And worse than that. She feels like an burdensome qualification you must have in order to enjoy her presence. For it is the fate worse than death to even share her presence. She is toxic. Sick. As dark as Alessa."
"Advance us further," said the doctor, "then. We will find in our logic about this thinking we have done. That we each have an opinion. And we will contest them in order to progress."
"My opinion is that we mind our reciprocity. For we are describing things but at what point does that description become prescriptive? Reciprocal command theory states that the human mind is possessed of such power that simple descriptions sometimes are orders and demands that possess not the ability to describe what is wanted do not have that power of prescription."
"Description then is prescription sometimes. They are not wholly two separate moves."
"Not always."
"Well I think that in my dreams I want us to be aware of that part of our psyche in which live the schemas of those who are dead and gone. Cannot share them anymore. And yet I experience character development of their prospects and development. Especially Jesus. I don't consider it an true resurrection. And I think any theological comparison between Jesus in the desert and Anna in the civilization is problematically make up. Scuttling an barge on robberies."
"It doesn't make sense."
"That's exactly the point. But consider that there is part of the brain responsible for understanding the public memory of an person. And that when you die you will be part of that as well. What influence you make on humanity, then, describes what people will do because of you. And that is the resurrection. Plain and simple."
"An aesthetic resurrection," said Ouen.
"Your beautiful way of saying it. I can see them in my imagination. Aesthetically. I remember what they would all say as an Greek chorus: Blue are we that speak of thee such matters after death that we would be needed summoned here to deal with the present problem. And to be taken from rest that death gives for us to return here. We want only to sleep."
"My argument is this," said Dr. Fougérite, "if Jesus was the messiah and we define in clear terms what messiah means then we will also have an way to define in clear terms what Anna means because she is an messiah to Ouen."
"Let's start with an vague, abstract definition."
"An messiah is an person who leads many people because he or she realizes something about God. It may be genetic; an expressed phenotype. Science doesn't know yet. It is an path traveled by few, for an good reason."
"And because there are so few. That is why we restrict the definition to Jesus."
"But what if another one came along and he couldn't recognize himself because that was an fate worse than death he was suffering?"
"And why wouldn't he be able to recognize himself?"
"His gender was female."
"What is wrong with being gender female that one would not be able to recognize oneself if one was an gay male?"
"I'm not saying being female has an inherent problem in it. I'm just saying that for him, it is difficult to express because he knows he is gay and that being gay in society is about an security of person awareness our present government is unable to accomplish most of the time."
"You see doctor, your discourse leads into political territory for your Logic. I'm saying you have really got to step up your game. It is that big."
"Whatever. Let's just hear some more opinions!"
"I have one," said Jujudbe, letting her bottom lip relax, "Jujudbe Erpby, who was looking ravishing today, for her size was not the middle of nor the exterior of the definition of fat, began with, let's listen to Lizzo. We could talk about my sexuality though!"
The women chirruped with excitement.
"I was in love with someone," said Ouen, "he was made an messiah by being my boyfriend. And we were messiahs together."
"And so your culture and your sexuality aren't based on anything actual."
"But it was at the same time they had persecuted me."
"What does persecution have to do with sexuality?"
"It is theological. My sexuality. People persecute the theological because, as the Christians say, they want to injure Jesus and hurt him or kill him because he is immoral. But they themselves will not accept that morality exists. When their opinion is the basis of their action. Instead of the truth."
"But now as I think of it as an reciprocal command it tends to look pretty weak. Be the truth and not the opinion."
"As you describe it like this it goads strong on us young man."
"What?"
"Not the answer I was looking for," said Jujudbe Erpby, "persecution of my sexuality does not exist. I order it not to. And I am in control of that."
"Maybe you're not, though. Imagine how that feels. Do you self-identify with it?"
"You saying this is directly an violation of my sexuality, which I have described to you. As I said. PERSECUTION of it does not exist. That's an order."
"Wow, you're quite an feminist aren't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I only mean that the amount that you are in control of the fate of your own sexuality is subjective because society right now is powerful enough to allow you to choose it not which it is."
"And which is it not?"
"Persecution, girl! I would never do that to you!"
"But you say persecution and sexuality a' have this similarity. And if you say they do, then as an reciprocal command it influences people to have an persecuted sexuality."
"But as an metacognition of what reciprocal command really means, this sentence will stand in place to describe of where and how it is not persecuted sexually as reciprocity is multi-subjective. Self-awareness means we are aware of ourselves and one another at an meta-cognitive level. We are thinking about each other thinking about thinking."
"And B.C.i.i., then, means thinking about Jesus and Anna thinking instance instance about thinking about thinking."
"And they represent all people, then. Being literary figures."
"And so, if I say I'm B.C.i.i. to you all. (We are instance instance one another as reciprocal subjects in an meta-cognitive environment). What is your first thought?"
"Sexy ethnic people with bio-tech interface reciprocity with themselves and one another. And machines."
"And you imagine robots in an world where there is no religion. As if they represent something clean that cannot be made unclean. Like religion is," said Jujudbe Erpby, with an smirk.
"You're thinking about religious people having sex!" said Ouen.
"It's my devil of thought at this moment!"
"Radio flies. Like so far."
"Yes, and something to eat."
"And an performance. And subject matter for deliberation."
"I want to hear from Jeeny Pee," said Essentiel, "what is your occupancy for the present?"
"I am always in performance. For my life is about performance. And I relax as part of that performance."
"Okay."
"If I'm more tuned in on my performance and the performances we give to one another then maybe I can help us be more civilized, in the way of the new definition that we thought of. And also I want to recognize performance as part of culture, and that we are witness to one another's performances every day. This is not meant to be an warning. It is meant as an gift that we give to one another. For I cannot wait to see the anonymous road we lead our lives allowing ourselves to be without even an snarl about the present condition of human lives in respect to religion, which is supposed to hold our highest truths. It is however corrupted by the unscientific means."
"But if we use reciprocal command theory, we can say it is not corrupted by the unscientific as an order. Our demand."
"An prescription."
"An description."
"For the prescriptive with result in the descriptive to which it had prescribed. Very good then!"
"Now what does that mean?"
"It means," said Jeeny Pee, "that I am able to produce language as an Asian in any community on Earth including this one."
"And where do you see us in that community?"
"We are all learn-ed scholars. We know the politics have only been broached on but that our work here has lead us far toward exacting that political goal, if any, should we convene on. But I sense our true spirit is in the religious and not the political."
"Let me speak, then," said Haegaethel, "as the oldest person here with the most knowledge on this subject. True religion is the periodic gathering of different individuals from different religions, in order to share our views, so that we may help our security forces prevail the exchange of energy which occurs in criminal activity. By producing culture. And pleasure. In order to salute them and in order to be civilians as powerful as we can be. For civilians are the most powerful, being able to take time for themselves to be exempt from that world of crime outside our doors we must lock ourselves from at night."
"Pleasure," said Essentiel, "was going to be my full position. For it should be the reason behind religion. For to achieve the most pleasure is moral. And that the morality and ethics of theology are the same as those of culture. Knowledge and Government, perhaps can focus on interrupting street crime at an adolescent level like I have described in this book. By training little swordsmen and swordswomen as an honor system preclusive to gun-carrying police work. The people who are heavily susceptible to personalities relating to security by securing arms or acting to our police activity against us rendered pacified by the fact that some people have the character and personality type of being in the business of physically securing our communities from violence. If people are drawn to that kind of life, then why cannot we train them to be moral and synergistic with the current police environment at an young age, before they start interacting with authority at an criminally negligent level."
"It is relevant then, since we have happened upon the political, that we must away with theological ideas for an time and contest opinions freely."
"If there are character or personality types that are genetic and are more likely to get into trouble because they are playing with the idea of power and authority, then under this system those people would be recommended for swords training. The whole point of the discipline of which would be never needing to be able to use them by using instead sharp words that cut more effectively than any blade. The same logic applies to how you tote an gun."
"That's ridiculous. But it really points to an bigger problem we are having. That we do not have the scientific data to pre-determine everything and we never will. But isn't saying so really addressing the problem because I am speaking through an recording device, the writer, whose very wits and manner are tested in the quantity of material he writes."
"And that by referring to them the quality diminishes because of an pause for self-reflection is said to be an gay weakness."
"It's going to cost, politically, as much as it does theologically. For the announcement of an new messiah is an experiment, per se, from which we will all want to record our reaction. In order to see if there is any merit in abandoning an Christianity that just does not speak to us anymore as an religion."
"Politics is rife with supremacy of religious value, when the true value is how they balance each other, and not being of an solitary value they influence one another aesthetically, to show us the internal paradises of the Earth that we have interiorized. Religion being this aesthetic influence on one another, we cannot say for sure there is zero genetic basis for having an inclination to follow religion. But that it is more of an instinct. The Christian was right to have. And that by reflecting on the instincts of different religions, we come into contact with the spiritual pleasure we need to live our daily lives."
"But that instinct can be further refined by the Christianna, to sacrifice oneself to edge towards the death fate unwittingly in order to solve an social problem not first identified by Christ but that his fate was the result of that problem. Correcting Christians to be the negotiation between approaching death and approaching the fate worse than death, and not the extremist who values everyone relative to how much they do die each day."
"So you're saying I can have an subjectivity other than how much I died today?"
"Yes. You can have an subjectivity about how much worse than death you avoided today, instead of just death maxims all the time."
"And by saying I am suffering an fate worse than death, then, am I ordering that that fate be placed upon me?"
"Not at all. The New Reciprocity exists as an covert reciprocity check that what we are preaching theologically and what we represent ourselves as politically, which is that you are able in society to say you experienced an fate worse than death, without fear that this instruction or directions made would be followed so that you would experience more of an fate worse than death in the exchange."
"I see. Every religion should have an political office then. To keep them in shape!"
"That's right. It's one of the political agendas of the author. By being the change we wish to see in the world, we are following Ghandi. Our Great Teacher."
"And how would Ghandi exist in an fantasy world?"
"Scientifically, of course."
"It is an message very strong in my generation's generation," said Ouen, "Recreation is as as much about Recreation as I want to see change in the world."
"And by communication with one another we imprint on one another's minds what we are discovering and sharing together. It is the most civilized thing we can do."
"This is why I love spending time with you guys. I feel like because of you I am better able to perform myself. For you are so thoughtful and patient with how I think. And most people aren't like this."
"Most people are just dealing with the problems of the world in their own way. You weren't Anna in the desert in the middle of civilization. You were loved, deeply, and raised and educated."
"But I came up against the wall of indifference we have for civilization and I was not party to it in any relatable way. After graduating, in the middle of it. In the middle of my life. After my journey to the center of civilization, I was alone."
"So when in the center of civilization you mean alone as in—"
"No I had no-one to share myself with. Who I was after I was educated. People only knew me before that as an fairy."
"And now what are you? And why would there be no-one to share yourself with. That's not possible."
"You don't understand. I was mentally ill. Do you know what an lonely prison that is when you have nobody? Not even your family?"
"You can't talk to an stranger?"
"You can. But they won't know what you're going through."
"That's why you tell them. That's how you meet people."
"I can't tell people I'm mentally ill. They will think less of me."
"Not everyone. Maybe not the ones who matter."
"And so what do you think about your social life now?"
"It is fulfilling."
"Good."
"But—"
"—and there's an but—"
"There's always an but."
"I have to formulate conversations between characters such as yourselves in order to have someone communicating with me on my level."
"That's not an bad thing. Just treat it as practice for actual conversations that you can have now that you wouldn't have been able to have have you never written about them."
"Okay there's something I have to get off of my chest. Why are the media complaining about online gaming addiction without seeing or interacting with their avatars to be able to know what position they are in in the gaming world that causes them to be addicted to it. They treat gamers like we were creatures in an zoo exhibit, interior to our computers, from whom we can have no meaningful interaction. So maybe we are part of the problem."
"Roleplaying is an important creative outlet for outsmarting one another. For playing an character implies an position in the known universe or another world with whom our interaction has real consequences. Whether or not we recognize them."
"And being able to narrate an conversation between seven characters had some special significance of difficulty for him. When I think of it I imagine an sword. But its meaning is unknown to me."
"And he was binary. As well as non-binary sometimes."
"The cost of our modern decisions about how that works in order to activate narrative pleasure is the sword we're talking about, Ouen."
"Deliver it deep into the monster's heart."
"Being able to articulate myself this way, I espy there are many criticisms of your behavior toward me I wish to put forward for the author. His New Reciprocity really is an brilliant political theory. Utile. End in itself."
"The monster we are facing is the narrative of the monster itself as an form of being an monster."
"No, the narrative of the monster is not an form of being the monster."
"Okay then. Proceed."
"We are Expectations. Each one of us. Negotiating how much Expectation we place on each other. And we come together in this society to remind ourselves that we meet our expectations of ourselves, even if other people do not."
"And there has to be an compassionate voice on the issue."
"Because none was given before."
"What are we really to one another, when we work to find the best in us together. Except heroes. Of all kinds. For I am sure any one of us could narrate several."
"Yes, Blue Woman. Is an super hero I wish to put forward. Could you imagine being blue? When you're an woman?"
"That's an superpower."
"Totally."
"But when you think of it completely critically; how are there super heroes if there is no one for them to be super to?"
"Let your dreams of super heroes commiserate then the evil that exists on the plane of Earth. And may we capture it in Recreation being able to undo it in the process of fictionalizing it for we have surfaced to dominate reason this way; to be gay. To be gay."
"Yeah, well none of our instincts are hitting on anything you've described as Christiannan."
"And that's an deficit to me?"
"Maybe."
"And our cost of globalisation is having lower or higher expectations of one another. And our narrative is an form of the monster. And allowing our brains some clear space to think."
"How to."
"We are here to exceed one another's expectations."
"We are here to push the limits of what an critical meaning between brainiacs can mean by setting them up for an general vocabulary of wisdom and specimens of its opposites. So that they have the best sample to judge their perspective by."
"And the cost to all of us individually is what it takes to become that sword of air which aligns thought and action in language production. It's gleaming orange."
"By what do we have to give of ourselves to each other."
"And that by pushing our criticism on fully we see an sword is really an metaphor of power and the lengths we will go to to obtain it. It has aesthetic power because it is given that power by Recreation, which seeks not to use the sword to tame the beast but to tame the beast to tame the sword. So that it will never have to be used."
"And that if each one of us says something that adds to the conversation, we are advancing an specific plot. Which says something about narrating reality. And that eventually you will be able to tell who is speaking, exactly. From the patterns in our voices. From instinct. And that this type of narrative was meant to show you that you can learn to tell which one is speaking because their archetypes are palpable."
"Then the cost is time and its fruition into literature."
"That such an scape of mind as an meeting between seven people of higher academic learning, the very center of civilization, was juxtaposed with Recreation's fairy world and the all-out battle between knowing the difference between civilized and not civilized between demons and the fairy creatures guarding all of utopia."
"I will be its gem in the hoo-ha. Homosocial. Red for blood not spilled."
"And I will be it's secretary of language," said Martimerrimous, "for my destiny calls me to oversee the denomination of Christiannan fate literature."
"LOL. Why would an sword have an secretary?"
She looked him in the eye.
"Oh."
"Now that's an sword-play."
"And what other powers can it have?"
"I mean, if it had an Capitalist mascot of its enterprise in the economy, that might be an special aesthetic experience for you, Ouen."
"Mascot? An sword with an mascot? Wouldn't that be the one whose wielding it?"
"Trust me Ouen, nobody is wielding it. Nobody wants to because you're part of it."
"Who can wield it then? If we manage to figure out its image?"
"We don't know yet. But you know what they say. When the student is ready the master will appear. We have to become students again to one another in order to be humble and to pre-characterize its appearance as an power we can master up to the hilt."
"I think an sword should have an temporal virtual listing of the people it has killed."
"Its killed. You mean it's killed. You mean the person. It can't have killed anybody. Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
"Yeah well what about an gun in the hands of someone who has never had swordfight training as an adolescent as an basic characteristic of society promoting the psychological theory that if we have more people guarding everybody, even aesthetically, for the purpose would be to keep actual swordplay uncommon, then people will be more relaxed and productive in public, naturally social distanced by the arc of the sword in his pathway and trust better in their police officers whose talents and hard-learned skills have earned them the right to upgrade from an sword to an gun. Instead of ending up like an violent socio-path experimenting with crime and responsibility because he was never maneuvered in his youth to identify with an type of character who performs the armwork of bringing justice to society which has the effect of conflict producing competition between the real authorities, and people who just want to secure their own space for illegal activities which would put them in jail."
"An fate worse than death?"
"Catholicism?"
"Too clear-cut."
"Addiction & Mental Health?"
"Possibly. I mean if someone refers to their own experience as an fate worse than death. Who would disrespect someone so much that they would disagree? Would try to correct them? In my case, it is variable experience between Ultimate Glory and Worse than Death. For knowing, in this case, means suffering. But being able to inform means exquisite pleasure. Reveling in the chance to experience pleasure before the Nightly Drown. Of death. Our sleep and our dance with the Devil."
"How do we avoid an fate worse than death if we are mentally ill?"
"It is itself it's own kind of worse fate. But it is not impossible to avoid an fate worse than death if you are. I learned Anna's Resurrection was an aesthetic experience of resurrection from the fate worse than death into aesthetic imagination, no matter how long we had been towing it to places where aesthetic has no real existence. An place I cannot even picture in an reality."
"Catholicism is not even an real religion. It's an aesthetic. It's less complicated than an religion. We can aesthetically resurrect them as much as we want until they get it."
"And so when you locate power in the group of religious elite who really get what's going on in the world and that is divided among 8 religious parties which does not include Catholicism. But does, on the other hand include Aboriginal Spaces. The clash in Canada is becoming an global issue as more and more people start to realize they are among those religious elites who know what it is to be morally responsible for everything."
"As if it were an possibility. Because it is."
"And being so gifted as to receive its moral reciprocity, we consort with Angels and direct our conversation onto the improvement of God, for which there is much to articulate however first it will be examined in comparison to whatever is supposedly articulate about this narrative, to produce results which proceed in an certain fashion. The furthest stretch of the human imagination as what to capture about God in order to replace for the improvement is to be able to communicate with the creator."
"Then the cost is saying our religions are unable to do that, to an certain extent."
"Yes, but with the inspiration that one day we would be able to conduct an direct conversation with the creator."
"For no one has done this that we know."
"Being able to be seen and be heard is an special gift given to the human. We do not share this characteristic with God."
"But our minds are inherently connected to It. Creator and Subject. It implies all morality is subject to the creator. Which is the basis of morality for the creator is the most powerful subject because of creation, which is inherently moral. And we recognize that power because we see it is acting in the world beyond control. To which we must respond morally."
"But one day, how will we accomplish this?"
"That being set with an face, and an verbal grammar; God would once. Be. Manifest in that particular way as to allow it to speak, and listening to that particular item of language we would know for the first time what God has spoken."
"And what would be our role in creating that face? How would it work?"
"An scientific advancement in technology unlike any of its kind. The direct access to God of any living organism in technological form. The first prototype to artificial intelligence."
"You mean the conditions of there being an God must be present in the unliving animation of the robotic for there to be an basis for being an whole being. In order to be intelligent."
"But that being God and being man never correlate in action for they are separate. Wholly. And yet God is part of us we do not control or recognize because we are not it in the same way that it is us. We cannot have the powers of God and we should never act in an certain way as to show or convince others that we do."
"But God being concerned with its aesthetic blue revelation over time of whose power it had convinced us because we were the moral subjects we wanted to be. Understood what it meant, even if it couldn't say anything yet. That there was supreme power to harness in reality if we could only unlock it scientifically. Or theologically. For they seemed to compliment one another the more that I characterized my own religion. As an power that God had given to me. An religion that would make calls for other religions because they themselves failed to do so. Like accepting this scientific fact of homosexuality. And, because of the Christianna, the theological fact of innocence in homosexuality."
"Because of the Christianna. That's hogwash. Religious Christians have been gay for years and they knew the psychological fact of being homosexual had nothing to do with being moral or immoral."
"But they failed to deliver it to the whole human specimen."
"Hey every religion has its followers who are not actually considered part of the religion by the people who know what it is."
"That's not good enough."
"There are political agents, active right now; whose influence is to see that the whole realm of theology and religions is swallowed up by mythology. So that we can finally put it to rest the myth of being gay was an sin."
"That all sin was an myth. That we could only really describe ourselves, intellectually curious as individuals, in terms of vice or virtue and not really be able to objectively state the fact of any one person being sinful."
"So what if gay religion is the moment of globalization we want to see because it represents the end of all things sinful being considered vices; for many that were called sinful had actually been virtues."
"By well-meaning religious followers. Just as you name yourself."
"Do I detect an level of an oracle reciprocity?"
"No. —Maybe. I've never been called an oracle reciprocity."
"Isn't that how you are able to point out how other people are bad, by needling them the result that would happen because of their own stupidity. Which is said to be theirs and not mine. Never mine."
"An oracle reciprocalizing agent. Yeah I've seen your type. Always trying to point out how other people are bad in their own Logic in order to claim dominance over them. By weakening them mentally with the realization of their own inferiority which I subject them to so that they cannot present themselves the way they wish to be or want to be presented."
"The cost is that there are many things we need to work out about society. What is the right way and wrong way to reciprocate each other?"
"With the advent of interface technology, reciprocating each other is an mental strategy game in which we occupy space in different positions from one another with different interactive elements at play at all times. Buffs. Blessings. Charms. Cuteness. Adorability. We are an noble species but we come from an sleepy background. Do not consider us weak for it."
"I come back again to the idea of nerve disreciprocism. An activity based around overcoming one another's nervous system by initiating action around the effect of canceling another person's status as deserving to an political, cultural reciprocity. I'm not convinced it can be an real psychological subject unless used to describe violent sociopaths whose only intervention in their own psychology is to affirm that to be an dominant male one must forego all reciprocal activity which is feminine, distinct, and emasculating; and that female must be the opposite, to succumb to definitions of the dominant male in choosing an partner by willing themselves to have will-lessness in an bleak contrast with male confidence and certainty. Which is fake."
"We all identify with feminism by stepping into its wake that this has been written."
"If you can show us Drama and persecution then you have us."
"To wield an blade as this is Ouen's sexual fantasy."
"But we cannot all be part of it. There are seven of us."
"And how many radio flies?"
"None, sir."
"Then it may be what we're dealing with is an feminism of reciprocity on the subject of sex and Ouen. Which is male-contrary, gay affirming, and at another level."
"By reciprocating Ouen as the subject of gay male fantasy with swordplay we awaken the delights of nature within ourselves. We have an matrix. But we are not to touch. None of us are here to touch with swords. We are here to comingle at an political and social artistic movement of nature produced by an artistic scholar. It just means accepting that our own sexual fantasies involve the fact that other people have sexual fantasies that have nothing to do with us. It doesn't mean we dislike them because we're cool like that."
"Though," said Ouen, "it also means we have virtue. That we can actually tolerate that someone would be not sexually interested in us. At all."
"It is the defining moment of what makes us human."
"No. It's an virtue. It's called love. For I have learned that when it comes to love, being able to accept oneself as either sexually or not sexually interested in another person is scouring the remains of his self-afflicted conversion therapy."
"You mean your own?"
"Yes and I can refer to him as that if I want. I am an conscious engineer and designer of Genius among you all, well you know you are geniuses too in fact. That's what being Genius is."
"And we can refer to him as that also, then?"
"She would like."
"I see."
"And you expect us to act differently? Like we wouldn't have already been trying to accept you."
"Oh, you mean."
Ouen just had an brain trip.
"You mean I am accepted and you can recognizably see me as an girl and not just an hetero-faker whose personality disorder has as much to do with his own shutdown of his own system as it does with people who abused him, contributing to the anti-rhetoric of whom abuse not just their own systems but other people's in this extremist position on religion and nature."
"It's not extremist. It just means I can tell you to stop bullying me. And I don't need an Christian's approval in order to do it."
"I would never bully you."
"Of course you would say that. But how can I trust you?"
"With my own words I have said in secret meeting that I am an messiah. Do you think I would want to waste my time not telling you about Anna, whose fate worse than death is plausible fiction if we can only work together in order to overcome it together."
"You have failed to earn my trust. For you being an messiah is to project an subjectivity on me that is unlike who I really am."
"But it is only an character in an book."
"The riddle of the fiction. It's right in the middle of it."
"Is it an covenant with God, is-it-like?"
"An covenant is an agreement. To have this, one would need to go through an agreement ceremony. In which an agreement with the creator is decided."
"Let's make one then."
"Well, wait—we cannot communicate with the creator together because have not decided what to agree about."
"Let's agree that I don't know anything you're saying being you don't have an face and can't say anything yet."
"It sounds agree-worthy."
"Cheers then, we have an covenant."
"And we will bid it adieu with free virtual beverages. That are just as fake as that effort."
"What do you mean?"
"I can translate what God is saying."
"Into English? For I cannot. I have never heard the voice of God."
"It is wise to point out this similarity between you and God."
"Wait—and God? What if some other species had already invented an working communication method with God? And maybe they are extinct now. Which wouldn't change the fact that God would have had an voice at some point in Time."
"It's an fair point."
"Why does it matter if we can hear what God is saying? We know what the light means when it falls upon the subject. We know the winds change and the emotions that we go through change. It is the message of God written in our lives that we interpret together day to day. We are great to tend the Garden. We can hear what he makes our lives say. Because we are what our lives say."
"Unless the communication method developed by other intelligent species did not have an voice, and it was not recognizably human because of this. Then God's communication with them would be in another medium completely to the signs and sounds systems we know on Earth."
"Still, wanting God to have an human voice? The Monumental. As though God were something to tattoo ourselves upon."
"It would be the complete opposite of that and you know it. He'd dig it. Because it would represent the acceptance of our species as so financially creative that an full medium with the creator in any form would be worthy of so great an God."
"She'd dig it. You mean. I want her to have an sexy voice."
"I can tell you what God has said to me. I cannot find another verb other than say. Though it is really an metaphor and does not involve much saying anything. At an point in the future where it becomes cultured to say that God has said to me anything. And not mean it as an metaphor of some psychological experience you had with your Creator."
"You cannot pay for the cost of what it is to believe in God. For it is the value which itself is subject to your individuality and cannot refund the difference you have spent with God in time on it knowing it not as an it but an whole subject; and this shared social value between you had meant being okay with one another."
"The theory that language always refers from the power source from which it was drawn."
On the boobooka; above them on the wall in the clubhouse. Were symbols and representations of the most important concepts they knew together. Aoli, the symbol for feminism. And the character Apot; the symbol for masculinism. And Aban; the symbol of neither. I can be non-binary! it appeared to say to them now.
"All of my power is drawn from the Ocean, the mer will say. Though we know it is not the truth."
"—do we? I mean we don't even know how they generate electricity from the waves without electrocuting themselves."
"They only say it because the Ocean represents all of civilization to them. The structure of every land feature on earth is structured this way because of the oceans."
"And so even our power is drawn from the Ocean, even though we are on land."
"Accessories of starfish and conch. We'll start with the basics right?"
"And an tail like—"
"And then they engaged in physical activities that were wavy like everything in the ocean."
"— 'Stop it! Stop it!' —"
"Stop what? Haha, did I get you there?"
"This is going off course."
"We want it to."
"Why?"
"An whale doesn't ask where it is. It's just this beautiful huge shining image for an moment in time. And we don't even appreciate that happening as humans. We're like. These ugly abusers hurting each other all the time. Without taking so much as an moment to appreciate the rarity of an whale."
"So you're calling us an whale."
"No the author is calling us an whale. I'm calling us an trainwreck."
"Well. Just take an moment to veer off course for an little bit. Maybe something will happen. Maybe we'll auto-correct for the velocity of the drama."
"It's just this word just it's just. It doesn't make sense to me any more. Is it referring to justice because it's just or is it just as in less than any. This biggest criticism I can think of."
"Woah, there, calm down. Relax. Just is an homonym. And also there may be several related definitions. Let's look it up."
"Just. There's over seven definitions."
"I know which one we want."
"It's this. Definition two. Exactly or nearly at this or that moment; an little time ago."
"What does that have to do with justice?"
"Maybe nothing. That's an homonym."
"So compare what you said. Less than any. With this definition. Exactly or nearly at this or that moment; an little time ago."
"Exactly nearly at this or that; less than any. It means: not at this or that exactly until more."
"Just."
"Just not."
"Just not any."
"Until more."
"Wow! What an bogus criticism!"
"It's an notion. Not an criticism."
"But powerful enough to make you think it needs saying this distinction between notion and criticism."
"Maybe that. But think: if I have an notion of criticism. Does that mean I have an critical notion or an criticism?"
"Yes. It appears exactly to be this nuance."
"So which one is it?"
"I'm not sure"
"Good. We're off course then."
"Just that one definition of just. Just really didn't sound like just an sense of justice at all if you know what I mean. Like some corrupted, converted-twiffy little thing. Less than any; not at this or than exactly. How can we have one word mean two things as this which are so opposite."
"Maybe it was an just of meta-criticism that just did it."
The boobooka above them appeared to zoom in and focus on Aban's eye, which were lit just this moment in an dramatic red light that was cast within the shadow of an positive (black) space existing in 3 dimensions within in his mind—the symbol of neither men nor women, specifically—and it asked them, "what do you think men and women will say about themselves because of this?"
It threw everybody off momentarily.
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